A speed bump, not a whole in the ground

To sum up:

I didn’t loose my job this time, maybe later…(!)
I am loosing two good colleagues in a company that is making lots of money, they are being made redundant.
I gave in to my neck/head pain yesterday and got sick leave from my GP, who said I should have come two weeks ago.
My psychiatrist worries about my parasomni, and thinks I might do something stupid in my sleep, I have been sleepwalking… (feels stupid).
I have restocked on pain meds, sleep meds, sleep cycle meds and deep-sleep-relaxing meds. Feels reassuring.
It rained too much today for cycling, (which I shouldn’t do anyway because of the pain). But I will tomorrow!

I turned up the music and danced, as I cooked dinner for me and my husband.

I love to dance. Soon I will be happy again.

🙂

speedBump

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Happy! Dancing! Singing!

I guess my popularity in the office is rapidly dropping. I lost my great big office, which I shared with another person, because on of the bosses needed all the space, (perhaps to store his ego…). So we had to move to an open landscape solution thing. I got to keep my desk, which I can raise and lower, and I usually stand quite much during the day.

And since there are quite a bit of noise, I listen to music! And dance.

And sometimes I forget about where I am, and sing. Oooops!

DiscoDancing

Sometimes I sense people looking at me, and wonder how long they have been standing there. Then I just laugh. They should try dancing a bit too, maybe they’ll fell better.

It shouldn’t really be like this now. I might loose my job, several hundred will, in my company. This is a stressing situation, for all, me too.

We never think about the decision we take to be sad, mad, angry, we just get into that mood. Did you know you can decide this yourself? I decide to be happy. The things I cannot change can be left somewhere else.

I might as well dance. And sing. I have this one in my head, from Pharrell Williams.

Here come bad news talking this and that, yeah,
Well, give me all you got, and don’t hold back, yeah,
Well, I should probably warn you I’ll be just fine, yeah,
No offense to you, don’t waste your time
Here’s why
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do

Keeping on being happy

New Year Fireworks, Athens

New Year Fireworks, Athens (Photo credit: RobW_)


I am basically happy. I used to be:

  • sad
  • unmotivated
  • stressed out
  • desperate
  • impatient
  • worried

Those feelings used to own me. It is not like that anymore. I don’t go around all day with a big smile or anything, well, maybe some days. 🙂 And I feel good and calm. What used to cause real anxiety, worry, and upset me, doesn’t make me drill down into chaos anymore. I am more like “oh well, how do I solve this?”

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, you’d know I was quite intense and energetic. I posted almost every day, and I had a lot to say. I never really planned it, but writing turned out to be my breakthrough. Writing about all those bad things, made the symptoms disappear. It was probably not the only thing happening. I am not sure. At one point I felt finished. My deep dive into bad emotions and even worse memories was done.

I have been ok since then. Almost all the time.

I am very grateful that this happened.

I started thinking about next year today. What hopes I have, what I wish for to happen. I think I will put together some new years resolutions, not like the usual ones, but some thoughts on how to grow. How to reach my goals. How to continue having control and be at peace.

Thanks for reading everyone! 🙂

Those Tuesday when you think that Friday is just around the corner

Jardín @ Cawdor Castle

Try to keep this image nearby all week? 🙂 (Photo credit: danidelacuesta)

It goes to show that you are not properly grounded when (if) you say and think that Friday is just around the corner.

I look so much forward to every Friday, and sometimes, Monday just need to finish, and then I see the light… I wish to be present every day, to feel, to enjoy, to experience. To be mindful. I do it too to some extent. But the coming joy of Friday, takes focus away from those very busy days that I don’t like all that much.

It is all about being present, right now. And life is to short to waste those days, waiting for the weekend! 😉

Ready or not?

christmas shiraz

Will there be too many of these before christmas? (Photo credit: jadeashley)

I wonder if life is this busy for everybody now before christmas?

At work, we are running around trying to finish stuff, there are always so many things that are planned to be ready within this year. And I get invited to so many formal and a bit less formal functions, I have two this week, one the week after, three the week after that.

I don’t understand how people think I can be friendly and happy an out coming through all of this? Not to mention, most people have a glass of wine, or five…

It’s not even December! I will remind myself to remember to breathe… 😉

So I didn’t become a superstar…

superstar

superstar (Photo credit: marie-ll)

When I was a child, I dreamt of being famous. Of having everything I wanted, travel, being rich. I had to dream myself out of all the things that was happening. But doesn’t everybody dream like that? My husband dreamt of being prime minister. I don’t remember what I wanted to be, a singer, an actress, I just remember I wanted to be somewhere else. Someone else. which of course had its natural explanations.

Life has so many “if only”. It hardly ever turn out the way you wished when you were a child. If only I was grown up. If only I had a lot of money. If you still are in the “if only” way of life as an adult, you might have a problem or two. At one point, you have to take charge and decide. Didn’t life get to be what you expected? Are you still sitting there and waiting for dreams to be fulfilled?

It is probably not going to happen. And you should not waste time waiting. The big change, is when you experience that YOU are the only one that can change things in your life. When you decide. I will be happy. I will love and be loved. I will change my way of thinking, so that I am in charge of my life.

You can decide some things. Others come crashing down from nowhere. When they do, it is good to have training. So that you can say; “Oh no, I DECIDE HERE! Don’t you dare crash into my life and try to take over!”

I am very happy that I am not a superstar. I am not even a bit famous. I am me, that’s it!

There will never be a book

Writing

Writing (Photo credit: jjpacres)

I love to write.

Although I do not have enough time, and sometimes I lack ideas. I love to see the words form, and sentences get meaning. Writing this blog has been so important for me. The issues that I managed to put into words, all those difficult things that I never could talk about. I wrote. I could hardly look at comments and “likes”; it made me really nervous. In retrospect, writing helped me to make all the dangerous stuff less dangerous. I found that I could think about it without ending in hopeless flashbacks. It was never good, to write, as in “getting it off my chest”. But I think that by writing, I got to use something not so closely connected to feelings, I had to be specific and clear, to the point. Set all feelings aside for a while, though my hands were shaking, and I cried sometimes. I had to plan, to decide what to write about as I sat down to do it.

‘You should write a book’, my therapist said.

Maybe I will someday. But not about this, not about, PTSD, child abuse, insomnia, flashbacks. Me, as a child, can rest now, I think. I feel ok about it all, I never would have guessed that last spring, before I started this blog. 🙂

You are all an inspiration. Thanks 🙂