A speed bump, not a whole in the ground

To sum up:

I didn’t loose my job this time, maybe later…(!)
I am loosing two good colleagues in a company that is making lots of money, they are being made redundant.
I gave in to my neck/head pain yesterday and got sick leave from my GP, who said I should have come two weeks ago.
My psychiatrist worries about my parasomni, and thinks I might do something stupid in my sleep, I have been sleepwalking… (feels stupid).
I have restocked on pain meds, sleep meds, sleep cycle meds and deep-sleep-relaxing meds. Feels reassuring.
It rained too much today for cycling, (which I shouldn’t do anyway because of the pain). But I will tomorrow!

I turned up the music and danced, as I cooked dinner for me and my husband.

I love to dance. Soon I will be happy again.

🙂

speedBump

Well… no… not happy

I’ve stopped sleeping. I guess it is just stress, however, stress is serious for me when getting consequenses like this. Stuff happens when I don’t sleep. I don’t want to go there again.

betterstress

Last Monday, we had meetings at work, and almost 300 people are loosing their jobs before summer. In our department of eight, two people have to go. We don’t know who yet, as “competence” will count more than “seniority”.  So, it can be me, but I don’t think so. Not in this round of cuts, but my job is definitely not safe. I was on an interview for another position, I hoped to get a positive answer, but haven’t heard anything. It was almost three weeks ago, and I haven’t got guts to call and get a negative answer.

This week we will know who looses their job in my department. Which one of my dear colleagues and friends will be let go, which office will be vacant.

I am not handling this well.

This weekend I was home alone, my husband was away. I was planning on doing lots of stuff, things I like doing, going for walks in the mountains, cycling, and some more useful things, like sorting clothes, tidying… I did nothing.

I cycle, work, and try to sleep. That’s it. Don’t like it.

 

Certainly not there anymore

Few weeks back I wrote about the back-to-work-hopelessness, sitting in my office while my head and body were stuck somewhere in France. I’m not there any longer. I usually bring my breakfast to work, and I am usually so busy that by lunchtime I haven’t finished it. I rarely break for lunch…

I haven’t had inspiration or time to blog, which feels bad. I like to write, it makes me feel better, sorting my thoughts make me more focused and happy. It is work, work, work, spending time with my girls who are all grown up, and work, and PAIN. It doesn’t seem to go away. I have never cried anywhere as much as I cry when my (former gorgeous, now only evil) physiotherapist stretches my neck, head and throat muscles. I have dropped all heavy painkillers, however, missing the opportunity to go to bed a bit too drowsy and sleep for ten hours. Painkillers are no good. Not the ones that really work!

I wish I was in France. I wish my mindset was vacation mode. My boss put me on a management program, I reluctantly accepted. We had the house full of people last weekend, leaving no space to relax, and no space to talk to my husband, who is away all week. I think I continue to do things I don’t like.

Moments in between are good. When I get out exploring nature. Eating fresh cooked prawns on a 250 year old ship at sea. Meeting friends, especially my best one 😉

Being here, now, will go into my to-do-list. 😉

Bad bad feelings?

English: Toy balloons Русский: Воздушные шарики

Up and away, never to be seen again (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I really hate it, when I get into those «if only» thoughts and regrets. Why is it so hard to accept the past, and be OK with it? Guess that’s the essence of it all. It’s no problem to see that what happened to me was so wrong. I guess I used a few years just accepting that it happened. And a few years trying to find ways out of it.

Sometimes I think I have found it, the way out, and some days it is just lost again. Some days there are things that trigger feelings and memories, which I wish to be gone forever.

Some days I need help to see things in perspective.

I try to meditate, I try to live by all the mindfulness ideas, and know that it helps. But some days are just different.

I wish I could put all of these feelings in a bin bag, tie it up and throw it away. Never to be seen again.

To my:
Anger
Shame
Loss
Sorrow
Regret

Please leave. Now.

Green is for hope, isn’t it?

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Always liked green… Today it made me think of a large cypress we had in the garden, I used to hide inside it.
It must have been five metres tall, the branches were enourmous. Though I do remember bringing a doll out, and some ropes to make a harness in one of the branches, pretending it was a pony, iI went there to hide.
After I started school, and had friends coming over (hardly ever happened), I never showed anyone the tree. It was mine… My hidingplace…
He must have known I was there, but I can’t recall he disturbed me there. I stayed for hours.
Safe.
I was never safe in the cellar, or under the veranda…

Not very good day this, we are still on the road, going home tomorrow. Usually I love to travel… Regret not bringing my bicycle this time… Look forward to straigth work days again from Monday:)

Energy?

An orange cloth umbrella. Français : Une ombre...

An orange cloth umbrella. Français : Une ombrelle en tissu orange. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I need some sparkling energy, I think the colour for that must be orange! Actually wearing some orange clothes today, but the effect of the colour doesn’t seem to have reached my brain!

All the cycling has made me get up at 6 AM, and even if I don’t have to, I still wake up that early. Today I feel like yawning all the time, and even more out of focus at work then I have been these last few days. I didn’t sleep that well last night either.

Concentration, please come my way:) I have some important (but boring) stuff that need a conclusion!

Those who follow my blog will know, it has taken some effort to start this. The writing, the thought of sharing, therapy, my worries and well… Just a bit crazy days. No negative experiences though,  quite the opposite from those of you who have read and commented:) I am so happy about that!

But a bit worn out. We are going away for a few days, no work, no cycling, rest, some wine. Looking forward to spending some time with my husband, and talk about things completely different! Take some photos (another one of my passions), look at the sea and the mountains. Think that’s going to be great!

And hopefully, Monday will appear with fast fingers on the keyboard, fast thinking turning into good ideas for my work projects, so that the feeling of being behind on all this will disappear.

But now, more coffee! 🙂