A speed bump, not a whole in the ground

To sum up:

I didn’t loose my job this time, maybe later…(!)
I am loosing two good colleagues in a company that is making lots of money, they are being made redundant.
I gave in to my neck/head pain yesterday and got sick leave from my GP, who said I should have come two weeks ago.
My psychiatrist worries about my parasomni, and thinks I might do something stupid in my sleep, I have been sleepwalking… (feels stupid).
I have restocked on pain meds, sleep meds, sleep cycle meds and deep-sleep-relaxing meds. Feels reassuring.
It rained too much today for cycling, (which I shouldn’t do anyway because of the pain). But I will tomorrow!

I turned up the music and danced, as I cooked dinner for me and my husband.

I love to dance. Soon I will be happy again.

🙂

speedBump

Ground lost under my feet?

Well… I did not loose my job. Not in this round anyway. I got hired as the fourth of eight in my department, and the one hired before me, and the one hired as number six lost their jobs last week.

I did not get the job I applied for at my former employee either. So I have applied for a couple others.

There are quite a few things I don’t understand about this, and I see that I am naive, and have had a rather easy career.

I have a few new things to think about. It disturbs my balance, I have lost my sleep. I find that old patterns of thinking and feeling are Stress-Management-220x300coming back, and all my strategies for coping sort of escaped out the window.

It is temporary. There are more important things.

 

Well… no… not happy

I’ve stopped sleeping. I guess it is just stress, however, stress is serious for me when getting consequenses like this. Stuff happens when I don’t sleep. I don’t want to go there again.

betterstress

Last Monday, we had meetings at work, and almost 300 people are loosing their jobs before summer. In our department of eight, two people have to go. We don’t know who yet, as “competence” will count more than “seniority”.  So, it can be me, but I don’t think so. Not in this round of cuts, but my job is definitely not safe. I was on an interview for another position, I hoped to get a positive answer, but haven’t heard anything. It was almost three weeks ago, and I haven’t got guts to call and get a negative answer.

This week we will know who looses their job in my department. Which one of my dear colleagues and friends will be let go, which office will be vacant.

I am not handling this well.

This weekend I was home alone, my husband was away. I was planning on doing lots of stuff, things I like doing, going for walks in the mountains, cycling, and some more useful things, like sorting clothes, tidying… I did nothing.

I cycle, work, and try to sleep. That’s it. Don’t like it.

 

Happy! Dancing! Singing!

I guess my popularity in the office is rapidly dropping. I lost my great big office, which I shared with another person, because on of the bosses needed all the space, (perhaps to store his ego…). So we had to move to an open landscape solution thing. I got to keep my desk, which I can raise and lower, and I usually stand quite much during the day.

And since there are quite a bit of noise, I listen to music! And dance.

And sometimes I forget about where I am, and sing. Oooops!

DiscoDancing

Sometimes I sense people looking at me, and wonder how long they have been standing there. Then I just laugh. They should try dancing a bit too, maybe they’ll fell better.

It shouldn’t really be like this now. I might loose my job, several hundred will, in my company. This is a stressing situation, for all, me too.

We never think about the decision we take to be sad, mad, angry, we just get into that mood. Did you know you can decide this yourself? I decide to be happy. The things I cannot change can be left somewhere else.

I might as well dance. And sing. I have this one in my head, from Pharrell Williams.

Here come bad news talking this and that, yeah,
Well, give me all you got, and don’t hold back, yeah,
Well, I should probably warn you I’ll be just fine, yeah,
No offense to you, don’t waste your time
Here’s why
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do

It CAN work out well?

It struck me here one of these mornings. I cycle to work, and I live in a country with lots of weather. Most of it is rain, some is below zero. At 0530 in the morning, I found that the rain had turned to ice. When there are snow, you know it can be dangerous. Ice is a bit more tricky…
Well, it happens, and there has been a few slippery mornings lately.  As my trip to work is 30 kilometers, I cannot just change my mind and take the car, the way cycling home again can easily be quite long. And I have no one to call, my husband takes the plane to another city every Monday morning.

The last morning with icy road, it struck me how easy it is to expect for the worst to happen. Me sliding on the ice ending in a ditch where no one ever finds me. It makes my shoulders raise and level with my ears, all those muscles I need for the ride to go well are as tight as never before. I loose the cool control I need pass the icy bits.

The experience that I should remember, is that I actually have made it, quite a few mornings this year. I’ve never ended in the ditch.

I have not learned to trust my ability to get through the tough spots.

The same goes for the situation at work. I expect that it will be crap, that some of us are going to leave. Even though there are four people hired in after I started, I expect to be made redundant. (Not sure how this affect my muscles, but it does affect my head).

Could those of you who have found the anti negativity button, please tell me where it is? 😉
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Challenges!

Suddenly, a new one appeared. Those of you who know me, know of my addiction to cycling… This week I have climbed some steep mountains,

080325_losingjob

and made a lot of distance. To get rid of frustration…

Problem is, our company does not make enough money, and crisis occurred this week. In our department, we are eight people. Some of us think maybe four will have to go, some think two. I am “safe”, I think, having been here for four years now, started just a few months earlier than the one employed as number five.

But I suddenly started looking for another job. Hope I am lucky, sooner the better.

How incredibly hard it will be to get things done if two or three or four of my colleagues and friends will have to leave?

I have been thinking about it all week, and find it hard to feel my usual calmness and perspective. A real challenge.

On the up side;I am getting very fit!

Saturday is fun day :)

saturdayI hate being serious. I really do. At work, everyone is trying to impress, thinking only into the correct box. The one that gets attention from management.
What a boring life!
For me, laughs and fun stuff is an important part of every day at work. (And of course after working hours). That way, I hardly ever get stressed out or feel bad. However looking at my colleagues sometimes make me feel a bit sad.
I had the yearly talk with my boss a few weeks back. She is great:) We get along very well, and she always appreciates what I do. And says so. We talked, about tasks, responsibility, birthday cakes (I have taken the responsibility for our department’s celebrations, of course) and about thinking in patterns. I said I know I am usually less serious and always sort of thinking out of the box. She said: ‘No. You are not thinking out of the box, you have a totally different set of boxes than anyone else’.
That made my day. I work in a creative department in an international company. With enough room for colours and craziness. 🙂
But today, no work, just fun. What to do?

(btw: I shall try to return here more often!)

Just to let you know

I am still here.
Still me.
Life’s good!
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When I stopped blogging here, it felt finished. I can’t imagine ever writing about all this stuff again, I can’t even read. It is like when you travel away from somewhere, go on a plane, and never plan to return. I remember places I have lived, things I have seen or done… I remember all bad things that happened to me. But I have left that place where only those things were present. Moved out.

Planning for good things to happen

English: Tony Corke climbs to the top of Sempe...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am really happy today (too), however, a bit scared.

Last night I managed to enter next years cycling event, it is really huge, for a small country. The second largest race in the country. I got the opportunity, and signed on and paid and then I had to breath a bit… Almost 100 kilometres mountain bike race, together with 13000 others.

This year, I had to miss out, because of all the pain in my neck and head. I am still not all that OK, but better. It felt really bad to miss it, but I hadn’t had the opportunity to prepare. To busy at work, to many things to think of, and no time for training.

So this morning I have been thinking of plans again. One of my great readers commented once on another of my planning post: ”Man plans, god laughs”. I admit I am a bit like that, I make plans. Now that Christmas is getting closer, I use a planning tool, to put everything in, so that I don’t forget. It doesn’t always work out as planned… I also like to make plans at a personal level, like I planned to quit heavy bad sleeping pills after last summer. It worked.

So now I wish I can make a plan all the way forward to the bike race in June next year. I need to loose some weight, I need to put workouts into the everyday schedule, I need to increase the amount of kilometers on the bike. I need to take great care of my motivation and dedication, if those two are not fed, they vanish.

I wish I could plan for the winter to stay away too, this morning we had 2 degrees C. But that is probably too much to ask for?

How are you about planning?

Living life inside a bubble

Bubbles.

Bubbles. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have been humming the Coldplay song for some days now. I guess that what is to come now, for the next few days, are so weird and strange that living in a bubble suits me just fine. An I certainly hope that bubble-life ends, on Tuesday night. When everything is ok, my daughter is well and happy, and I can breathe again and feel ok.

The more you have to wait, the worse? I think that is the case. My daughter has been waiting for more than a year for this procedure. Her life has been on hold. Instead of being a happy young girl, her life has been controlled to every last bit by pain, by weakness and by all the consequences of her situation as a whole. And I have been on the same wave, in a way. We are so close, so everything I feel, she feels, and when she is tired or in pain, I feel it too. If not, I certainly feel that she is feeling like this.

Deep down, I wish that after this, she can go back and be a normal (whatever that is) young woman, studying, working, partying, dancing. Worrying about what to wear or makeup or something girlish like that. But she has been through so much, that the whole perspective on her life has changed. Her experiences has made her a very compassionate and caring person. She has a level of insight both to her medical condition, and to the mental challenges that follows it (and all other stuff related to growing up) that I can only admire. So “normal” will never apply to her.

In so many ways, that is good. At the same time, it is so complicated.

Hopefully all bubbles will burst for both of us on Tuesday. Hopefully, life on hold, waiting, will be over, and she will have a heart that works like mine. Cured. Well. Healthy.

Totally new perspectives!

#thatfeeling

Green Heart (And the Green Grass Grows All Aro...

Green Heart (CarbonNYC)


Ok, I sat out this week too with high ambitions. So many thing are happening just now, so I can’t seem to get to where I want to be. That must be ok for now.

The only important thing, is that my daughter is having a complicated heart procedure, it takes many hours, and many doctors, and is really just overwhelming. I am sure she will be ok, afterwards, we just have to believe that. Even though she wasn’t after last time they tried. Now she has been off from work, and hardly studied this last year. Waiting. All of us.

We are leaving tomorrow night, and she will have the operation on Tuesday. It is in another city, 5 hours drive from here.

A real #thatfeeling downer. Hopefully, on Tuesday evening, it will be different.

Thanks everyone :)


I LIKE you too!
It has really been very interesting to see how this blog developed. It grew fast, and really a bit faster than I ever imagined that it would. The idea was that I was writing for me, for my own therapy, and it worked. I am very happy about that! And I am very happy, that what I have put in here, has been of help for others too.
And I am very very happy that I have gotten to know YOU.
Thank you, every one of you 🙂

Word for this week: Planning!

English: Pope's Hill, Kielder Forest. A mounta...

Roads are not this bad on my morning trip, luckily. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Feel rather proud this morning. Yesterday when I was planning the week, and checking the weather, I decided that I might cycle to work today. So I found all my warm clothes, my shoes, some woolen socks, and laid it out, all ready. As I woke up at 6 this morning, I was so tired, and so much like, “oh no, this is not going to happen”. I just couldn’t imagine one hour and a half on the bike, before feeling awake at all.

But I did it. It wasn’t the happiest 30 km in my life, but I got to work without having had to walk up one single hill (there are quite a few). The time wasn’t bad either. This afternoon, the forecast says STORM, so it will be a fun trip home…

I know, that if I hadn’t used some time yesterday to find my gear and getting it all ready, I would have gotten into my warm and cosy car instead. The same way that I know, that if I don’t shop before I get hungry, I end up eating things I regret. Because I do have these ideas in my head: Cycling is good for me (but so many times I give up, because it is early in the morning and cold and rain and it is so far). I like to eat healthy (but some days I shop late in afternoon, after work, when I am very hungry). I recent chaos, (but I don’t plan for tidying up, not at work, not at home, however, this doesn’t stress me up, it is just uncomfortable). I need to have my head clear, to be relaxed and focused (but sometimes I get carried away with seemingly uncontrollable emotions).

It is all linked together.  This week I will focus on establishing a warm and close friendship between the planning-part and the dedication-part of me. I hope they will hit it off 🙂

Certainly not there anymore

Few weeks back I wrote about the back-to-work-hopelessness, sitting in my office while my head and body were stuck somewhere in France. I’m not there any longer. I usually bring my breakfast to work, and I am usually so busy that by lunchtime I haven’t finished it. I rarely break for lunch…

I haven’t had inspiration or time to blog, which feels bad. I like to write, it makes me feel better, sorting my thoughts make me more focused and happy. It is work, work, work, spending time with my girls who are all grown up, and work, and PAIN. It doesn’t seem to go away. I have never cried anywhere as much as I cry when my (former gorgeous, now only evil) physiotherapist stretches my neck, head and throat muscles. I have dropped all heavy painkillers, however, missing the opportunity to go to bed a bit too drowsy and sleep for ten hours. Painkillers are no good. Not the ones that really work!

I wish I was in France. I wish my mindset was vacation mode. My boss put me on a management program, I reluctantly accepted. We had the house full of people last weekend, leaving no space to relax, and no space to talk to my husband, who is away all week. I think I continue to do things I don’t like.

Moments in between are good. When I get out exploring nature. Eating fresh cooked prawns on a 250 year old ship at sea. Meeting friends, especially my best one 😉

Being here, now, will go into my to-do-list. 😉

Good :)

English: A mink on Lower Saranac Lake. Taken b...

The one we saw was all black, and very beautiful! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had a real good day yesterday 🙂 My daughter and I went out paddling, for two and a half hours. She loves it too! We went around this island, I didn’t think it was going to be so hard… When we got back, we checked the GPS, to find we paddled 10 kilometers… Last bit was by will, and only that. We had quite a few laughs though, and wildlife was nice to us as well. We saw seals, large birds, mink and some fish jumping. Mind resting experiences. Helps insomnia!

As we got back, we could hardly move, soar muscles all over. But today it’s ok again. Pain is not too bad either, just a slight headache, not devastating. Got the results from the MR and X-ray today, there are some slight damage to one of the joints in the neck, but nothing that should cause my severe pain. So I guess I will let the (former gorgeous, but now only evil) physiotherapist to beat me up once a week.

Today is just lazy. We’ve been evacuated from work because of a huge fire in a building close to ours, so I have been working at home. I find that so much more efficient. I can do stuff without being interrupted, answer e-mails, cross out some to-do’s. Hardly any phone calls, or corridor talks. Good!