Tomorrow I am signing the contract for my new job! Made it! In August I start as Web editor in public service, in a regional unit with 4000 employees. I am very lucky, and very happy and thankful!
The situation at work and all we have had to go through these last months have take so much of my attention, all day and night, and now I can relax a bit. Feels good!
To sum up:
I didn’t loose my job this time, maybe later…(!)
I am loosing two good colleagues in a company that is making lots of money, they are being made redundant.
I gave in to my neck/head pain yesterday and got sick leave from my GP, who said I should have come two weeks ago.
My psychiatrist worries about my parasomni, and thinks I might do something stupid in my sleep, I have been sleepwalking… (feels stupid).
I have restocked on pain meds, sleep meds, sleep cycle meds and deep-sleep-relaxing meds. Feels reassuring.
It rained too much today for cycling, (which I shouldn’t do anyway because of the pain). But I will tomorrow!
I turned up the music and danced, as I cooked dinner for me and my husband.
I love to dance. Soon I will be happy again.
🙂
Well… I did not loose my job. Not in this round anyway. I got hired as the fourth of eight in my department, and the one hired before me, and the one hired as number six lost their jobs last week.
I did not get the job I applied for at my former employee either. So I have applied for a couple others.
There are quite a few things I don’t understand about this, and I see that I am naive, and have had a rather easy career.
I have a few new things to think about. It disturbs my balance, I have lost my sleep. I find that old patterns of thinking and feeling are 
coming back, and all my strategies for coping sort of escaped out the window.
It is temporary. There are more important things.
I guess my popularity in the office is rapidly dropping. I lost my great big office, which I shared with another person, because on of the bosses needed all the space, (perhaps to store his ego…). So we had to move to an open landscape solution thing. I got to keep my desk, which I can raise and lower, and I usually stand quite much during the day.
And since there are quite a bit of noise, I listen to music! And dance.
And sometimes I forget about where I am, and sing. Oooops!
Sometimes I sense people looking at me, and wonder how long they have been standing there. Then I just laugh. They should try dancing a bit too, maybe they’ll fell better.
It shouldn’t really be like this now. I might loose my job, several hundred will, in my company. This is a stressing situation, for all, me too.
We never think about the decision we take to be sad, mad, angry, we just get into that mood. Did you know you can decide this yourself? I decide to be happy. The things I cannot change can be left somewhere else.
I might as well dance. And sing. I have this one in my head, from Pharrell Williams.
Here come bad news talking this and that, yeah,
Well, give me all you got, and don’t hold back, yeah,
Well, I should probably warn you I’ll be just fine, yeah,
No offense to you, don’t waste your time
Here’s why
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do
It struck me here one of these mornings. I cycle to work, and I live in a country with lots of weather. Most of it is rain, some is below zero. At 0530 in the morning, I found that the rain had turned to ice. When there are snow, you know it can be dangerous. Ice is a bit more tricky…
Well, it happens, and there has been a few slippery mornings lately. As my trip to work is 30 kilometers, I cannot just change my mind and take the car, the way cycling home again can easily be quite long. And I have no one to call, my husband takes the plane to another city every Monday morning.
The last morning with icy road, it struck me how easy it is to expect for the worst to happen. Me sliding on the ice ending in a ditch where no one ever finds me. It makes my shoulders raise and level with my ears, all those muscles I need for the ride to go well are as tight as never before. I loose the cool control I need pass the icy bits.
The experience that I should remember, is that I actually have made it, quite a few mornings this year. I’ve never ended in the ditch.
I have not learned to trust my ability to get through the tough spots.
The same goes for the situation at work. I expect that it will be crap, that some of us are going to leave. Even though there are four people hired in after I started, I expect to be made redundant. (Not sure how this affect my muscles, but it does affect my head).
Could those of you who have found the anti negativity button, please tell me where it is? 😉
I hate being serious. I really do. At work, everyone is trying to impress, thinking only into the correct box. The one that gets attention from management.
What a boring life!
For me, laughs and fun stuff is an important part of every day at work. (And of course after working hours). That way, I hardly ever get stressed out or feel bad. However looking at my colleagues sometimes make me feel a bit sad.
I had the yearly talk with my boss a few weeks back. She is great:) We get along very well, and she always appreciates what I do. And says so. We talked, about tasks, responsibility, birthday cakes (I have taken the responsibility for our department’s celebrations, of course) and about thinking in patterns. I said I know I am usually less serious and always sort of thinking out of the box. She said: ‘No. You are not thinking out of the box, you have a totally different set of boxes than anyone else’.
That made my day. I work in a creative department in an international company. With enough room for colours and craziness. 🙂
But today, no work, just fun. What to do?
(btw: I shall try to return here more often!)
New Year Fireworks, Athens (Photo credit: RobW_)
Those feelings used to own me. It is not like that anymore. I don’t go around all day with a big smile or anything, well, maybe some days. 🙂 And I feel good and calm. What used to cause real anxiety, worry, and upset me, doesn’t make me drill down into chaos anymore. I am more like “oh well, how do I solve this?”
If you have followed my blog from the beginning, you’d know I was quite intense and energetic. I posted almost every day, and I had a lot to say. I never really planned it, but writing turned out to be my breakthrough. Writing about all those bad things, made the symptoms disappear. It was probably not the only thing happening. I am not sure. At one point I felt finished. My deep dive into bad emotions and even worse memories was done.
I have been ok since then. Almost all the time.
I am very grateful that this happened.
I started thinking about next year today. What hopes I have, what I wish for to happen. I think I will put together some new years resolutions, not like the usual ones, but some thoughts on how to grow. How to reach my goals. How to continue having control and be at peace.
Thanks for reading everyone! 🙂
Bubbles. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I have been humming the Coldplay song for some days now. I guess that what is to come now, for the next few days, are so weird and strange that living in a bubble suits me just fine. An I certainly hope that bubble-life ends, on Tuesday night. When everything is ok, my daughter is well and happy, and I can breathe again and feel ok.
The more you have to wait, the worse? I think that is the case. My daughter has been waiting for more than a year for this procedure. Her life has been on hold. Instead of being a happy young girl, her life has been controlled to every last bit by pain, by weakness and by all the consequences of her situation as a whole. And I have been on the same wave, in a way. We are so close, so everything I feel, she feels, and when she is tired or in pain, I feel it too. If not, I certainly feel that she is feeling like this.
Deep down, I wish that after this, she can go back and be a normal (whatever that is) young woman, studying, working, partying, dancing. Worrying about what to wear or makeup or something girlish like that. But she has been through so much, that the whole perspective on her life has changed. Her experiences has made her a very compassionate and caring person. She has a level of insight both to her medical condition, and to the mental challenges that follows it (and all other stuff related to growing up) that I can only admire. So “normal” will never apply to her.
In so many ways, that is good. At the same time, it is so complicated.
Hopefully all bubbles will burst for both of us on Tuesday. Hopefully, life on hold, waiting, will be over, and she will have a heart that works like mine. Cured. Well. Healthy.
Totally new perspectives!
I LIKE you too!
It has really been very interesting to see how this blog developed. It grew fast, and really a bit faster than I ever imagined that it would. The idea was that I was writing for me, for my own therapy, and it worked. I am very happy about that! And I am very happy, that what I have put in here, has been of help for others too.
And I am very very happy that I have gotten to know YOU.
Thank you, every one of you 🙂
Sunday and evaluation time. This week I planned to use my bike to work on Monday, which I did. 60 kilometres in one day, and it felt good. Afterwards anyway.
I planned to go to spinning class Wednesday morning, did that too, two classes. Felt awful, and missed the quiet nature.
I never got round to plan any food at all. It is boring when I can’t cook for anyone else but me. I am not good at eating, when I am alone. Usually I grab the easiest meal, and the easiest way out. Which hardly ever is the smartest. So no points for planning food.
I planned to do some laundry this weekend. Which I haven’t started yet. I also planned to get up early and do some work, both today and yesterday. And I planned to blog every day. Guess last week got so busy, that there was nothing left.
Next weeks plans: Going away Wednesday-Thursday for work. Two spinning classes on Wednesday morning, 0600-0830. Blog every day. Be nice. Use the bicycle for work, one day.
Not too ambitious? Maybe planning is just stupid…
Roads are not this bad on my morning trip, luckily. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Feel rather proud this morning. Yesterday when I was planning the week, and checking the weather, I decided that I might cycle to work today. So I found all my warm clothes, my shoes, some woolen socks, and laid it out, all ready. As I woke up at 6 this morning, I was so tired, and so much like, “oh no, this is not going to happen”. I just couldn’t imagine one hour and a half on the bike, before feeling awake at all.
But I did it. It wasn’t the happiest 30 km in my life, but I got to work without having had to walk up one single hill (there are quite a few). The time wasn’t bad either. This afternoon, the forecast says STORM, so it will be a fun trip home…
I know, that if I hadn’t used some time yesterday to find my gear and getting it all ready, I would have gotten into my warm and cosy car instead. The same way that I know, that if I don’t shop before I get hungry, I end up eating things I regret. Because I do have these ideas in my head: Cycling is good for me (but so many times I give up, because it is early in the morning and cold and rain and it is so far). I like to eat healthy (but some days I shop late in afternoon, after work, when I am very hungry). I recent chaos, (but I don’t plan for tidying up, not at work, not at home, however, this doesn’t stress me up, it is just uncomfortable). I need to have my head clear, to be relaxed and focused (but sometimes I get carried away with seemingly uncontrollable emotions).
It is all linked together. This week I will focus on establishing a warm and close friendship between the planning-part and the dedication-part of me. I hope they will hit it off 🙂
Few weeks back I wrote about the back-to-work-hopelessness, sitting in my office while my head and body were stuck somewhere in France. I’m not there any longer. I usually bring my breakfast to work, and I am usually so busy that by lunchtime I haven’t finished it. I rarely break for lunch…
I haven’t had inspiration or time to blog, which feels bad. I like to write, it makes me feel better, sorting my thoughts make me more focused and happy. It is work, work, work, spending time with my girls who are all grown up, and work, and PAIN. It doesn’t seem to go away. I have never cried anywhere as much as I cry when my (former gorgeous, now only evil) physiotherapist stretches my neck, head and throat muscles. I have dropped all heavy painkillers, however, missing the opportunity to go to bed a bit too drowsy and sleep for ten hours. Painkillers are no good. Not the ones that really work!
I wish I was in France. I wish my mindset was vacation mode. My boss put me on a management program, I reluctantly accepted. We had the house full of people last weekend, leaving no space to relax, and no space to talk to my husband, who is away all week. I think I continue to do things I don’t like.
Moments in between are good. When I get out exploring nature. Eating fresh cooked prawns on a 250 year old ship at sea. Meeting friends, especially my best one 😉
Being here, now, will go into my to-do-list. 😉
From the boat trip. I am so lucky having this outside my doorstep!
I twirl a few hairs round my finger. Pull. No, nothing happened. I grab some more hair, pull. Still nothing. Realize that even if I had bigger biceps, this thing of pulling myself up by my hair is not going to work. And my hair would look even more chaotic! But don’t blame me for not trying!
The pain is not constant; usually it gets worse in the afternoon. Right now, (early in the morning) I feel that there is “something” in my ear. A tiny bit of aching. Later today, that tiny pain in my ear, will find its way to communicate with a nerve point in my forehead, and one almost as far back as my neck. Then all three will party for some hours, and try got get closer together, squeezing the left side of my head so that it feels like a half-deflated beach ball left behind after a sunny day. The worst, is that the pain drains me from energy, I kind of feel like that beach ball. And however much I try, I haven’t found enough self control or calm to sit it through. It’s more like: Painkillers, NOW!
Weekend has been ok, I guess. We went out in the boat, fishing, and caught mackerels, about 40. As some were just babies, and we don’t really like eating mackerels that much, we put them out again. The tasty fishes stayed away, we didn’t get enough for dinner. But it was a sunny day, maybe one of summer’s last ones. I enjoyed being there with my husband. Saturday we went shopping. He made a stupid remark, which put me off the whole shopping thing. I really need some new stuff, but husbands and shopping are not compatible. Shopping and I is not good either, so I need to take advantage of those rare moments of shopping inspiration!
I’ll try to go to the gym today, I have an appointment with my darling daughter. If the weather is good, we are going paddling instead. There will be quite enough time spent in the gym as the darkness and weather gets worse. So I’d like to be outside as much as I can till then.
Thanks to every one of you, commenting to make me feel better! I appreciate it so much, and it feels good to have somewhere to be out there, even when I am not feeling well. Thanks!
It has just taken over everything once more! My spare time, my energy, my sleep. I am in pain almost constantly, and pain is almost all and everything I am.
Dreaming (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)
I have had so many strange dreams lately, which is quite unusual for me. I hope it means that my sleeping pattern is changing, after cutting back on sleeping meds. I don’t really believe that dreams are all that important, or that there is a meaning to all of these strange things that gets into my head while I am sleeping. That would make life VERY complicated. 🙂
My dreams tend to be quite chaotic, and sometimes I wake up, just knowing that I dreamt something upsetting, without remembering what it was. I haven’t had any flashbacks or flashback-“dreams” for weeks and the last ones hasn’t been all that disturbing.
I think my sub-conscience is trying to figure out something. It’s been about a car accident that happened when I was a child. I don’t know exactly where it was. I just remember the car going off the road, and downhill very fast. There is a wood, many trees, and it is quite bumpy. This was long before there were seat belts, and I am on the floor between the front and back seat. My mother is driving. My brother is also in the car. I’m afraid, of course. That’s all that I remember. I tried once to ask my brother what had happened, but he won’t talk about it. Even if I asked him quite late, after he had a few beers… He said that we spent the night in a house next to where it happened. I don’t remember any of that. I don’t know if anyone got hurt, maybe I remember some pain in my head. But I’m not sure. Other than this, my flashbacks seem to have taken a break, it seems. I hope they are gone for good 🙂
But just this other night, I dreamt, we were running a petrol station, some of my friends, my youngest daughter, one work colleague and me. It was really very busy, and everything that could go wrong did. We ran out of diesel, people stole chocolate from the store, many were mad because they couldn’t fill up their cars, the queue of angry customers went all the way through the front door. We didn’t handle the situation very well. It was like when you have four people in the kitchen trying to do the same thing at the same time. When it finally calmed down, we went to sleep on the floor. It was like NOW I am going to sleep for SO long! I was just so tired, after working for days. And as I came to that conclusion and kind of felt the sleep coming, the alarm on my iPhone set off. I woke up angry…
Didn’t last for long though.
Colour the day 