Growing up

holding hands and creating a community

(Photo credit: aarongilsonh

Things you need to make it:

  • Parents (obviously, at least one)
  • Food
  • Clothes and a place to live
  • Challenges and stimuli
  • Trust
  • Love

Easy? And before you are fully aware of the content of this simple list, you might be a parent yourself…

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Waiting finally over :)

We are happy 🙂 My daughter came up from the OT grinning and giving me thumbs up. It seems the cardiologists have managed to fix the two most serious arytmi errors in her heart. She will have to use medication to stabilize it, maybe for a long time, but compared to how her life has been for the last year, that is nothing. Not important at all.
It’s like a new aera begins. She’ll have her life back, it seems. Hopefully, no more complications. 🙂

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Living life inside a bubble

Bubbles.

Bubbles. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have been humming the Coldplay song for some days now. I guess that what is to come now, for the next few days, are so weird and strange that living in a bubble suits me just fine. An I certainly hope that bubble-life ends, on Tuesday night. When everything is ok, my daughter is well and happy, and I can breathe again and feel ok.

The more you have to wait, the worse? I think that is the case. My daughter has been waiting for more than a year for this procedure. Her life has been on hold. Instead of being a happy young girl, her life has been controlled to every last bit by pain, by weakness and by all the consequences of her situation as a whole. And I have been on the same wave, in a way. We are so close, so everything I feel, she feels, and when she is tired or in pain, I feel it too. If not, I certainly feel that she is feeling like this.

Deep down, I wish that after this, she can go back and be a normal (whatever that is) young woman, studying, working, partying, dancing. Worrying about what to wear or makeup or something girlish like that. But she has been through so much, that the whole perspective on her life has changed. Her experiences has made her a very compassionate and caring person. She has a level of insight both to her medical condition, and to the mental challenges that follows it (and all other stuff related to growing up) that I can only admire. So “normal” will never apply to her.

In so many ways, that is good. At the same time, it is so complicated.

Hopefully all bubbles will burst for both of us on Tuesday. Hopefully, life on hold, waiting, will be over, and she will have a heart that works like mine. Cured. Well. Healthy.

Totally new perspectives!

#thatfeeling

Green Heart (And the Green Grass Grows All Aro...

Green Heart (CarbonNYC)


Ok, I sat out this week too with high ambitions. So many thing are happening just now, so I can’t seem to get to where I want to be. That must be ok for now.

The only important thing, is that my daughter is having a complicated heart procedure, it takes many hours, and many doctors, and is really just overwhelming. I am sure she will be ok, afterwards, we just have to believe that. Even though she wasn’t after last time they tried. Now she has been off from work, and hardly studied this last year. Waiting. All of us.

We are leaving tomorrow night, and she will have the operation on Tuesday. It is in another city, 5 hours drive from here.

A real #thatfeeling downer. Hopefully, on Tuesday evening, it will be different.

Lazy Sunday

A black Roomba Robot.

I love my Roomba Robot. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I admire my excellent attitude towards house work.

Every weekend I set out to do at least some things. Do the bathrooms, wash some clothes, AND get them back in the cupboards (an operation that easily takes months).Start the vacuum cleaner robot, wash the kitchen properly. Some weeks I set out to buy new clothes, socks and underwear, because it seems to be empty. Other weekends, like this one, I suddenly discover I have 30 pair of socks waiting.

As I woke up this morning, I thought about the weekend, that it is just like three steps down. Fridays are high high up, Saturdays are something in between, and Sundays are getting things together for a new hard work week. Last chance for housework, only then it feels like trying to finish a marathon. For me, it usually breaks down to what I am going to wear tomorrow. What I need for work, and is my gym bag packed. Right now it is, because I haven’t had the time to use it…

I live alone most of the week, the girls have moved out, my husband works in a city one hour away, by air. He leaves monday mornings, and returns Thursday or Friday. And the house is not a disaster, yet. It’s basically me and the cat. We’ll manage another week, but next Friday, I will make a list, a plan. So that Sunday appears with a shiny living room, detergent smelling bathrooms, clean sheets and soft towels. :))

Good :)

English: A mink on Lower Saranac Lake. Taken b...

The one we saw was all black, and very beautiful! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had a real good day yesterday 🙂 My daughter and I went out paddling, for two and a half hours. She loves it too! We went around this island, I didn’t think it was going to be so hard… When we got back, we checked the GPS, to find we paddled 10 kilometers… Last bit was by will, and only that. We had quite a few laughs though, and wildlife was nice to us as well. We saw seals, large birds, mink and some fish jumping. Mind resting experiences. Helps insomnia!

As we got back, we could hardly move, soar muscles all over. But today it’s ok again. Pain is not too bad either, just a slight headache, not devastating. Got the results from the MR and X-ray today, there are some slight damage to one of the joints in the neck, but nothing that should cause my severe pain. So I guess I will let the (former gorgeous, but now only evil) physiotherapist to beat me up once a week.

Today is just lazy. We’ve been evacuated from work because of a huge fire in a building close to ours, so I have been working at home. I find that so much more efficient. I can do stuff without being interrupted, answer e-mails, cross out some to-do’s. Hardly any phone calls, or corridor talks. Good!

Dreams

sleep

Dreaming (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

I have had so many strange dreams lately, which is quite unusual for me. I hope it means that my sleeping pattern is changing, after cutting back on sleeping meds. I don’t really believe that dreams are all that important, or that there is a meaning to all of these strange things that gets into my head while I am sleeping. That would make life VERY complicated. 🙂
My dreams tend to be quite chaotic, and sometimes I wake up, just knowing that I dreamt something upsetting, without remembering what it was. I haven’t had any flashbacks or flashback-“dreams” for weeks and the last ones hasn’t been all that disturbing.

I think my sub-conscience is trying to figure out something. It’s been about a car accident that happened when I was a child. I don’t know exactly where it was. I just remember the car going off the road, and downhill very fast. There is a wood, many trees, and it is quite bumpy. This was long before there were seat belts, and I am on the floor between the front and back seat. My mother is driving. My brother is also in the car. I’m afraid, of course. That’s all that I remember. I tried once to ask my brother what had happened, but he won’t talk about it. Even if I asked him quite late, after he had a few beers… He said that we spent the night in a house next to where it happened. I don’t remember any of that. I don’t know if anyone got hurt, maybe I remember some pain in my head. But I’m not sure. Other than this, my flashbacks seem to have taken a break, it seems. I hope they are gone for good 🙂

But just this other night, I dreamt, we were running a petrol station, some of my friends, my youngest daughter, one work colleague and me. It was really very busy, and everything that could go wrong did. We ran out of diesel, people stole chocolate from the store, many were mad because they couldn’t fill up their cars, the queue of angry customers went all the way through the front door. We didn’t handle the situation very well. It was like when you have four people in the kitchen trying to do the same thing at the same time. When it finally calmed down, we went to sleep on the floor. It was like NOW I am going to sleep for SO long! I was just so tired, after working for days. And as I came to that conclusion and kind of felt the sleep coming, the alarm on my iPhone set off. I woke up angry…
Didn’t last for long though.