A speed bump, not a whole in the ground

To sum up:

I didn’t loose my job this time, maybe later…(!)
I am loosing two good colleagues in a company that is making lots of money, they are being made redundant.
I gave in to my neck/head pain yesterday and got sick leave from my GP, who said I should have come two weeks ago.
My psychiatrist worries about my parasomni, and thinks I might do something stupid in my sleep, I have been sleepwalking… (feels stupid).
I have restocked on pain meds, sleep meds, sleep cycle meds and deep-sleep-relaxing meds. Feels reassuring.
It rained too much today for cycling, (which I shouldn’t do anyway because of the pain). But I will tomorrow!

I turned up the music and danced, as I cooked dinner for me and my husband.

I love to dance. Soon I will be happy again.

🙂

speedBump

Planning for good things to happen

English: Tony Corke climbs to the top of Sempe...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am really happy today (too), however, a bit scared.

Last night I managed to enter next years cycling event, it is really huge, for a small country. The second largest race in the country. I got the opportunity, and signed on and paid and then I had to breath a bit… Almost 100 kilometres mountain bike race, together with 13000 others.

This year, I had to miss out, because of all the pain in my neck and head. I am still not all that OK, but better. It felt really bad to miss it, but I hadn’t had the opportunity to prepare. To busy at work, to many things to think of, and no time for training.

So this morning I have been thinking of plans again. One of my great readers commented once on another of my planning post: ”Man plans, god laughs”. I admit I am a bit like that, I make plans. Now that Christmas is getting closer, I use a planning tool, to put everything in, so that I don’t forget. It doesn’t always work out as planned… I also like to make plans at a personal level, like I planned to quit heavy bad sleeping pills after last summer. It worked.

So now I wish I can make a plan all the way forward to the bike race in June next year. I need to loose some weight, I need to put workouts into the everyday schedule, I need to increase the amount of kilometers on the bike. I need to take great care of my motivation and dedication, if those two are not fed, they vanish.

I wish I could plan for the winter to stay away too, this morning we had 2 degrees C. But that is probably too much to ask for?

How are you about planning?

Certainly not there anymore

Few weeks back I wrote about the back-to-work-hopelessness, sitting in my office while my head and body were stuck somewhere in France. I’m not there any longer. I usually bring my breakfast to work, and I am usually so busy that by lunchtime I haven’t finished it. I rarely break for lunch…

I haven’t had inspiration or time to blog, which feels bad. I like to write, it makes me feel better, sorting my thoughts make me more focused and happy. It is work, work, work, spending time with my girls who are all grown up, and work, and PAIN. It doesn’t seem to go away. I have never cried anywhere as much as I cry when my (former gorgeous, now only evil) physiotherapist stretches my neck, head and throat muscles. I have dropped all heavy painkillers, however, missing the opportunity to go to bed a bit too drowsy and sleep for ten hours. Painkillers are no good. Not the ones that really work!

I wish I was in France. I wish my mindset was vacation mode. My boss put me on a management program, I reluctantly accepted. We had the house full of people last weekend, leaving no space to relax, and no space to talk to my husband, who is away all week. I think I continue to do things I don’t like.

Moments in between are good. When I get out exploring nature. Eating fresh cooked prawns on a 250 year old ship at sea. Meeting friends, especially my best one 😉

Being here, now, will go into my to-do-list. 😉

No, not good, not at all…

sternocleidomastoideus muscle

sternocleidomastoideus muscle (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The nerves of the scalp, face, and side of neck.

The nerves of the scalp, face, and side of neck. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

An MR machine is not like on “House”, where the patient has lots of space, light, and seems to have a good time. It’s NOT! I think today, that my nose was two centimetres from the ceiling of that very noisy machine. I did have the alarm thing in my hand, but the thought of not doing this now, and use months thinking about doing it again, kept me from pushing the button. My neck was locked in a bracelet, and I had bell shaped hearing protection over my ears.
I cried a bit.
Then I had to do x-ray.
I cried driving home as well.

Earlier today, I went to physiotherapy. He (the gorgeous looking one) is not as optimistic as he was after the first sessions. Most of last week went by trying to ignore pain and headache. Think I succeeded, in a way, but it makes me so tired.
Instead of beating up all those sore points where the muscles and the nerves are attached at the back of my scull, he worked on all muscles around the clavicle and the sternocleidomastoid muscle. This is one of the most important muscles in the neck, sort of goes from the clavicle to the ear. Apparently mine is extremely tense and strung up, he had problems trying to get hold of it at all. I was in so much pain I had to get his hands off me a couple of times.
I don’t really like to be touched, I think. He worked so close to my throat, that I found myself trying to avoid it, and him, by clutching my legs to the bench, and sliding my upper body to the side. Hanging on by my feet and some stomach muscles I didn’t know I had. Tears streaming, and my top was wet all through from cold sweat.
Right now I wonder if there is something wrong in the upper part of my vertebrae too. I, and the doctors and therapists have considered all of this to be consequences of a whiplash after the unfortunate crash between my head and a brick wall while cycling. (USE BIKE HELMETS, I did!!) My current diagnosis is cervical headache, and it is only on the left side. Now I am not sure. There is something wrong with my C1 nerve, for sure, but all these f***ed up muscles too? My physiotherapist says that time has made it all this painful. Right now, it feels like my left side has been hit by a bus, it aches in my arm, shoulder, all muscles around my clavicle, my neck feels swollen. To top it up, my headache is out of this world.
I think I’ll allow myself one tiny little depression tonight, grab some painkillers and go to bed.

Gone fishing…

Guess I’m still suffering from kind of post-vacation-depression… Don’t really understand why this is always so hard! I mean, usually, I love my job, (or like very much at least). I have busy days after work as well, some of the stuff I have to do is good, some is tiring. I try to work out, so I need time to do that too, but right now, it seems like plunging into everyday life is something that requires a life west. I guess that after a couple of more weeks, everything will be back to normal. But right now, the thought of that is kind of awful.
Is life meant to be work, obligations, and stuff you don’t have the conscience to NOT do? I need to work to earn money, and I like solving problems like I do at work. Like my colleagues too. I have a family that I love, but now they were just waiting for me to come home to grab hold of me and my time… I love my husband, but can’t wait for him to get back to work, so that I have evenings on my own (he works in another city, one hour flight away).
Guess basically it is the ME-time I miss, all ordinary things overwhelms me.

Before we went away, I said I’d focus on these things, here’s how it went:

  1. Sleep routines. Not lack of it. Follow my attack plan on sleep meds. /Yes, did that. 
  2. Live here and now. Enjoy what happens. Take ALL the good photos. /Hmm… been a bit busy, and don’t know about the photos yet…
  3. Plan what and where we eat, I feel so much better without bread and fast carbs. /Lost cause…
  4. Get on the bike for at least 30 k a day, that’s just one hour (well, when it is flat)! /No, didn’t happen, but my bike has travelled most of Europe… 
  5. Don’t hurry (except downhill on the bike)/To little downhill on bike, a bit hurried in between
  6. Stretch my neck four times a day. Breathe… /Well… I guess no…

I made the sleep thing anyway, which is very good.

This week I bought a small kayak, and went fishing (the plastic bag is for the fish!). Didn’t get any, sea is full of stingy jellyfish that always get into the line and tip off the real fish down there. Good recreation, and good training for any muscle above the knee, it seems…  Weather sucks though. But this is going to be my new excuse, gone fishing! Me-time…

I am really happy to life a place where this is possible 🙂
Wishing you a lovely weekend!

How to take care of me?

English: New road at Hawthornden Only when I g...

Road to happiness 🙂 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am a very worn out. The funeral was yesterday, and that puts an end to things. But I have not been treating myself as good as I should lately. Lack of sleep and rest, food always in a hurry, family stuff, no cycling, no meditating and all those work things I just have to finish before going away.

A good recipe for a bad result. I feel like I could sleep for a week, that feeling… But I can’t, and wont. When awake I feel like there’s cotton inside my head and my brain is wrapped in it! Everything wise is stuck inside cotton, and won’t come out.

I am going on a great vacation dammit, so now is the time to start being happy, relaxed, laugh a lot, go on lovely cycling trips, visit small medieval cities and drink coffee on the warm sunny town square. So here is the recipe for that:

  1. Get back into meditation routines, however, a bit difficult as we are together 24/7. But I’ll find the moments.
  2. Sleep routines. Not lack of it. Follow my attack plan on sleep meds.
  3. Live here and now. Enjoy what happens. Take ALL the good photos.
  4. Plan what and where we eat, I feel so much better without bread and fast carbs.
  5. Get on the bike for at least 30 k a day, that’s just one hour (well, when it is flat)!
  6. Don’t hurry (except downhill on the bike)
  7. Stretch my neck four times a day. Breathe…

That’s seven vital points for better days. Shouldn’t be too hard. Just right now it kind of seems like mission impossible! (Think I’ll make it??)

I always find it very difficult to get back from holidays, getting back into everyday work and other routines always messes with my head. And it is such a bad bad thing thinking about that now, before we have even gone… I’ll just have to leave that worry at home too. But it’s like when you start to worry, you just don’t stop… there’s always something more to worry about.

Tonight I have invited some old colleagues home for a reunion party. We will have loads of fun, and old memories to laugh about. No more worries as of now. Hereby decided! 🙂

Dwelling in depression

Sad News

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I don’t know whom to blame, but there must be someone! Everywhere I turn, somebody is depressed. I talk to the girls, about their friends or acquaintances, they are depressed, their friends, that is. I think I must know at least ten people telling me they take anti-depressives; I imagine I have twice that number of friends who are too ashamed to tell me about anti-depressives.

Depression inflation…

I have all respect in the world for the despair and hopelessness that comes with this illness.

But I have nothing but disrespect for all the GPs who use this as the best excuse ever not to get to the bottom of things. So easy to just hand out a prescription and “see you next month” when someone comes in to complain about lack of sleep, lousy feelings or lack of drive.

Since when are all those feelings not part of life?

Since when, has the cure for all, been a pill?

I know many people have serious depressions, and I don’t mean to offend anyone. I have so much respect for those who fight this disease, and have the courage to seek professional help. It is those who sit at the other side of the table, I am aiming at.

So many people starting on anti-depressives use them for years and years.

So many don’t get ANY other help.

If reading about side effects were obligatory, would so many use these pills?

If your GP told you, that this drug might help, but we won’t really know before at least six months, would you use them?

This creates patients, who stay patients for many more years than necessary. If listened to, if treated with more care and less pills, the situation would be so much different.

I can’t help thinking that depression is a “fashion” thing. And feel so sorry for those who suffer with severe depressions, though more awareness of this illness can help!

I can’t help thinking; nobody has mouse arms anymore. After serious research into neck injuries, it became clear that those large whiplash neck supports worsens the condition, whiplash also went out of fashion. (Though I have it, a real whiplash!)

I hope depression gets out of fashion too. Someone makes loads of money because people are wrongly treated with expensive pills.

Sorry about the rather cross language and strong meanings in this post. I was angry.

There is probably a pill for that too!