A speed bump, not a whole in the ground

To sum up:

I didn’t loose my job this time, maybe later…(!)
I am loosing two good colleagues in a company that is making lots of money, they are being made redundant.
I gave in to my neck/head pain yesterday and got sick leave from my GP, who said I should have come two weeks ago.
My psychiatrist worries about my parasomni, and thinks I might do something stupid in my sleep, I have been sleepwalking… (feels stupid).
I have restocked on pain meds, sleep meds, sleep cycle meds and deep-sleep-relaxing meds. Feels reassuring.
It rained too much today for cycling, (which I shouldn’t do anyway because of the pain). But I will tomorrow!

I turned up the music and danced, as I cooked dinner for me and my husband.

I love to dance. Soon I will be happy again.

🙂

speedBump

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Pulling hair

From the boat trip. I am so lucky having this outside my doorstep!

I twirl a few hairs round my finger. Pull. No, nothing happened. I grab some more hair, pull. Still nothing. Realize that even if I had bigger biceps, this thing of pulling myself up by my hair is not going to work.  And my hair would look even more chaotic! But don’t blame me for not trying!

The pain is not constant; usually it gets worse in the afternoon. Right now, (early in the morning) I feel that there is “something” in my ear. A tiny bit of aching. Later today, that tiny pain in my ear, will find its way to communicate with a nerve point in my forehead, and one almost as far back as my neck. Then all three will party for some hours, and try got get closer together, squeezing the left side of my head so that it feels like a half-deflated beach ball left behind after a sunny day. The worst, is that the pain drains me from energy, I kind of feel like that beach ball. And however much I try, I haven’t found enough self control or calm to sit it through. It’s more like: Painkillers, NOW!

Weekend has been ok, I guess. We went out in the boat, fishing, and caught mackerels, about 40. As some were just babies, and we don’t really like eating mackerels that much, we put them out again.  The tasty fishes stayed away, we didn’t get enough for dinner. But it was a sunny day, maybe one of summer’s last ones. I enjoyed being there with my husband. Saturday we went shopping. He made a stupid remark, which put me off the whole shopping thing. I really need some new stuff, but husbands and shopping are not compatible. Shopping and I is not good either, so I need to take advantage of those rare moments of shopping inspiration!

I’ll try to go to the gym today, I have an appointment with my darling daughter. If the weather is good, we are going paddling instead. There will be quite enough time spent in the gym as the darkness and weather gets worse. So I’d like to be outside as much as I can till then.

Thanks to every one of you, commenting to make me feel better! I appreciate it so much, and it feels good to have somewhere to be out there, even when I am not feeling well. Thanks!

No, not good, not at all…

sternocleidomastoideus muscle

sternocleidomastoideus muscle (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The nerves of the scalp, face, and side of neck.

The nerves of the scalp, face, and side of neck. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

An MR machine is not like on “House”, where the patient has lots of space, light, and seems to have a good time. It’s NOT! I think today, that my nose was two centimetres from the ceiling of that very noisy machine. I did have the alarm thing in my hand, but the thought of not doing this now, and use months thinking about doing it again, kept me from pushing the button. My neck was locked in a bracelet, and I had bell shaped hearing protection over my ears.
I cried a bit.
Then I had to do x-ray.
I cried driving home as well.

Earlier today, I went to physiotherapy. He (the gorgeous looking one) is not as optimistic as he was after the first sessions. Most of last week went by trying to ignore pain and headache. Think I succeeded, in a way, but it makes me so tired.
Instead of beating up all those sore points where the muscles and the nerves are attached at the back of my scull, he worked on all muscles around the clavicle and the sternocleidomastoid muscle. This is one of the most important muscles in the neck, sort of goes from the clavicle to the ear. Apparently mine is extremely tense and strung up, he had problems trying to get hold of it at all. I was in so much pain I had to get his hands off me a couple of times.
I don’t really like to be touched, I think. He worked so close to my throat, that I found myself trying to avoid it, and him, by clutching my legs to the bench, and sliding my upper body to the side. Hanging on by my feet and some stomach muscles I didn’t know I had. Tears streaming, and my top was wet all through from cold sweat.
Right now I wonder if there is something wrong in the upper part of my vertebrae too. I, and the doctors and therapists have considered all of this to be consequences of a whiplash after the unfortunate crash between my head and a brick wall while cycling. (USE BIKE HELMETS, I did!!) My current diagnosis is cervical headache, and it is only on the left side. Now I am not sure. There is something wrong with my C1 nerve, for sure, but all these f***ed up muscles too? My physiotherapist says that time has made it all this painful. Right now, it feels like my left side has been hit by a bus, it aches in my arm, shoulder, all muscles around my clavicle, my neck feels swollen. To top it up, my headache is out of this world.
I think I’ll allow myself one tiny little depression tonight, grab some painkillers and go to bed.

We cannot let go of the pain, we have to carry it with us forever. That is what it means to live.

Cover of "Triage"

Cover of Triage

I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie. It’s called Triage, and is about a photojournalist going to Kurdistan, to work. He and his best friend go together, on a quite horrible trip to the war zone. When he gets back, something is not quite right, and eventually, he meets the grandfather of his wife, who has dealt with this kind of trouble before.

‘We cannot let go of the pain, we have to carry it with us forever. That is what it means to live’, he says. ‘Now, I can help you to live with this pain’.

And he does. It is a very tough and touching movie. Recommend it!

Listening to that wise old man saying this, made me think. I actually wanted to play back to find the correct words, but found it on the web instead.

What is done, is done. We always carry our experiences with us somehow. Sometimes we expect too much of friends and others we are around every day. We expect understanding, forgiveness maybe, compassion, but so many times, we find ourselves alone with our feelings and hurt.

What you can change is the way to cope with those feelings. It happened. How many more years is going to be spent inside those feelings, so alone?

I have written before about flashbacks and PTSD, and all the other dreadful things that follow. I’m not sure if I can ever live (happily ever after) without expecting flashbacks to reappear. If what it takes is ‘to live with this pain’, it’s ok. I’ll be fine. I’ve found a way to make it less painful.

I cannot make it undone, however hard I should try.

Physiotherapy and pink elephants…

Just came home from physiotherapy with that ooh so nice man… Admit it is the overarms are what always gets my gaze. Anyway, he pulled my ear for 15 minutes, and then went to squeeze my head, and all the muscles you never know exists! He is very happy with my progress, this was my third visit, and the dizziness has disappeared, and headaches are much more frequent. I’m very happy!

I came a bit early today, they have a gym there as well. Not like the one I usually go to, but one for their patients, it’s a large clinic. So I did some lifting and pulling and found my muscles to still be there. It won’t take long to get real fit again. (Though I should loose some weight… hmm…). It felt real good! There were many people there today, and I did not ask any of them what their problem is! 🙂 I seem to get to talk to people all the time…

Anyway; now I feel a bit like Dumbo (remember the elephant?) My ears feels large and red (pink) and my jaw is kind of loose. He assured me that I definitely CAN fly too, after this round. I don’t think I should try.

But it made me wonder, did Dumbo really fly? (And I can never think of Dumbo without that glorious absinth scene... Never!)

BTW: These strange ideas and thoughts are what happens when you don’t sleep properly!