Good news finally :)

Tomorrow I am signing the contract for my new job! Made it! In August I start as Web editor in public service, in a regional unit with 4000 employees. I am very lucky, and very happy and thankful!

The situation at work and all we have had to go through these last months have take so much of my attention, all day and night, and now I can relax a bit. Feels good!

 

 

A speed bump, not a whole in the ground

To sum up:

I didn’t loose my job this time, maybe later…(!)
I am loosing two good colleagues in a company that is making lots of money, they are being made redundant.
I gave in to my neck/head pain yesterday and got sick leave from my GP, who said I should have come two weeks ago.
My psychiatrist worries about my parasomni, and thinks I might do something stupid in my sleep, I have been sleepwalking… (feels stupid).
I have restocked on pain meds, sleep meds, sleep cycle meds and deep-sleep-relaxing meds. Feels reassuring.
It rained too much today for cycling, (which I shouldn’t do anyway because of the pain). But I will tomorrow!

I turned up the music and danced, as I cooked dinner for me and my husband.

I love to dance. Soon I will be happy again.

🙂

speedBump

Happy! Dancing! Singing!

I guess my popularity in the office is rapidly dropping. I lost my great big office, which I shared with another person, because on of the bosses needed all the space, (perhaps to store his ego…). So we had to move to an open landscape solution thing. I got to keep my desk, which I can raise and lower, and I usually stand quite much during the day.

And since there are quite a bit of noise, I listen to music! And dance.

And sometimes I forget about where I am, and sing. Oooops!

DiscoDancing

Sometimes I sense people looking at me, and wonder how long they have been standing there. Then I just laugh. They should try dancing a bit too, maybe they’ll fell better.

It shouldn’t really be like this now. I might loose my job, several hundred will, in my company. This is a stressing situation, for all, me too.

We never think about the decision we take to be sad, mad, angry, we just get into that mood. Did you know you can decide this yourself? I decide to be happy. The things I cannot change can be left somewhere else.

I might as well dance. And sing. I have this one in my head, from Pharrell Williams.

Here come bad news talking this and that, yeah,
Well, give me all you got, and don’t hold back, yeah,
Well, I should probably warn you I’ll be just fine, yeah,
No offense to you, don’t waste your time
Here’s why
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do

Keeping on being happy

New Year Fireworks, Athens

New Year Fireworks, Athens (Photo credit: RobW_)


I am basically happy. I used to be:

  • sad
  • unmotivated
  • stressed out
  • desperate
  • impatient
  • worried

Those feelings used to own me. It is not like that anymore. I don’t go around all day with a big smile or anything, well, maybe some days. 🙂 And I feel good and calm. What used to cause real anxiety, worry, and upset me, doesn’t make me drill down into chaos anymore. I am more like “oh well, how do I solve this?”

If you have followed my blog from the beginning, you’d know I was quite intense and energetic. I posted almost every day, and I had a lot to say. I never really planned it, but writing turned out to be my breakthrough. Writing about all those bad things, made the symptoms disappear. It was probably not the only thing happening. I am not sure. At one point I felt finished. My deep dive into bad emotions and even worse memories was done.

I have been ok since then. Almost all the time.

I am very grateful that this happened.

I started thinking about next year today. What hopes I have, what I wish for to happen. I think I will put together some new years resolutions, not like the usual ones, but some thoughts on how to grow. How to reach my goals. How to continue having control and be at peace.

Thanks for reading everyone! 🙂

Planning for good things to happen

English: Tony Corke climbs to the top of Sempe...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am really happy today (too), however, a bit scared.

Last night I managed to enter next years cycling event, it is really huge, for a small country. The second largest race in the country. I got the opportunity, and signed on and paid and then I had to breath a bit… Almost 100 kilometres mountain bike race, together with 13000 others.

This year, I had to miss out, because of all the pain in my neck and head. I am still not all that OK, but better. It felt really bad to miss it, but I hadn’t had the opportunity to prepare. To busy at work, to many things to think of, and no time for training.

So this morning I have been thinking of plans again. One of my great readers commented once on another of my planning post: ”Man plans, god laughs”. I admit I am a bit like that, I make plans. Now that Christmas is getting closer, I use a planning tool, to put everything in, so that I don’t forget. It doesn’t always work out as planned… I also like to make plans at a personal level, like I planned to quit heavy bad sleeping pills after last summer. It worked.

So now I wish I can make a plan all the way forward to the bike race in June next year. I need to loose some weight, I need to put workouts into the everyday schedule, I need to increase the amount of kilometers on the bike. I need to take great care of my motivation and dedication, if those two are not fed, they vanish.

I wish I could plan for the winter to stay away too, this morning we had 2 degrees C. But that is probably too much to ask for?

How are you about planning?

#thatfeeling

Green Heart (And the Green Grass Grows All Aro...

Green Heart (CarbonNYC)


Ok, I sat out this week too with high ambitions. So many thing are happening just now, so I can’t seem to get to where I want to be. That must be ok for now.

The only important thing, is that my daughter is having a complicated heart procedure, it takes many hours, and many doctors, and is really just overwhelming. I am sure she will be ok, afterwards, we just have to believe that. Even though she wasn’t after last time they tried. Now she has been off from work, and hardly studied this last year. Waiting. All of us.

We are leaving tomorrow night, and she will have the operation on Tuesday. It is in another city, 5 hours drive from here.

A real #thatfeeling downer. Hopefully, on Tuesday evening, it will be different.

Thanks everyone :)


I LIKE you too!
It has really been very interesting to see how this blog developed. It grew fast, and really a bit faster than I ever imagined that it would. The idea was that I was writing for me, for my own therapy, and it worked. I am very happy about that! And I am very happy, that what I have put in here, has been of help for others too.
And I am very very happy that I have gotten to know YOU.
Thank you, every one of you 🙂

A poem and a flower

Twin flowers of Ipomoea acuminata

Twin flowers of Ipomoea acuminata (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve gotten to love these poems from Rabindranath Tagore. It’s not all that often I have the time to concentrate for long enough time to get the grips of poems. But maybe that is changing…
Enjoy 🙂

Brink of Eternity

In desperate hope I go and search for her
in all the corners of my room;
I find her not.

My house is small
and what once has gone from it can never be regained.

But infinite is thy mansion, my lord,
and seeking her I have to come to thy door.

I stand under the golden canopy of thine evening sky
and I lift my eager eyes to thy face.

I have come to the brink of eternity from which nothing can vanish
—no hope, no happiness, no vision of a face seen through tears.

Oh, dip my emptied life into that ocean,
plunge it into the deepest fullness.
Let me for once feel that lost sweet touch
in the allness of the universe.

Rabindranath Tagore

Bad bad feelings?

English: Toy balloons Русский: Воздушные шарики

Up and away, never to be seen again (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I really hate it, when I get into those «if only» thoughts and regrets. Why is it so hard to accept the past, and be OK with it? Guess that’s the essence of it all. It’s no problem to see that what happened to me was so wrong. I guess I used a few years just accepting that it happened. And a few years trying to find ways out of it.

Sometimes I think I have found it, the way out, and some days it is just lost again. Some days there are things that trigger feelings and memories, which I wish to be gone forever.

Some days I need help to see things in perspective.

I try to meditate, I try to live by all the mindfulness ideas, and know that it helps. But some days are just different.

I wish I could put all of these feelings in a bin bag, tie it up and throw it away. Never to be seen again.

To my:
Anger
Shame
Loss
Sorrow
Regret

Please leave. Now.

The funeral

English: Red roses

Red roses, her favourites (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

All those things to remember. We had a visit from the funeral home last Wednesday. He took us through all the details. What kind of coffin, what clothes we wanted her to wear, the flower arrangements, the psalms, advertisement, forms, costs, inheritance, testament… My brother and sister were there, and my other old aunt. (The one with a taste for red wine, who got the fresh caught fish on the summer party last Saturday). She is the sister of the very old aunt who died.

We all thought we remembered what songs and singers we used for the last funeral. We didn’t. It was the same man from the funeral home, who came to see us then, who we met again now. He had some of our funeral history on his computer. Goes to show that it’s not just me who goes “blank” in situations like these. We also had to talk to the priest, who gazed at my “Om”-pendant… Don’t think he is of the most tolerant ones. Anyway, we talked about the very old aunt for a while, for him to have enough information to put together a memorial speech.

I have no idea how many will come to the service, she outlived all her friends. The family comes of course, the same 20 something that came at the summer party. Some family from other parts of the country is also coming. And there must be some cousins, and maybe old colleagues. Though, who would you expect to remember you, when it’s 30 years since you retired?

We ordered red roses to decorate the coffin. They were her favourites. The coffin is white, I like better the oak ones.y

I hope the day goes by without me coming out of my state of indifference. I think it’s strange, but also a bit good, to see that my brother and sister feel awkvard. It sort of tells me that I can’t be alone with my experiences from my childhood. It tells me that it’s true, things were bad. I don’t feel any need to mourn. I know that our story keep us closer together than most people, only it doesn’t, really. Anyone who loses their mother as a child has a story. Not sure if I can explain this properly, but it is nothing but an act. We do what is expected. We act as if we have great affection for each other, but hardly ever meet, other than Christmas, or my summer party. The dialogue is nothing to be proud of, bad actors…

I don’t want to do very much about this. And right now, I just hope this day goes into history with nothing to remember.

No, not very mindful today. I’ll visit my feelings tomorrow.

Responsibility and I – not compatible (at least not today)!

Vineyards in Saint-Émilion.

Vineyards in Saint-Émilion. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We did get rid of all our summer party guests yesterday. There was a point where I thought we wouldn’t! The last car going was with some rather loud young people, and the old auntie, with a fresh caught fish from the sea on her lap (her Sunday dinner). Today, I admit having a feeling that it actually IS possible to drink too much Bordeaux.

Mais alors, ca va bien! St. Emilion 2004, c’était une très bonne vin!

And wine is another one of my passions…

The summer party was great, I think everybody enjoyed it, and we were in the mood to have fun, lots of it. We even had a few rays of sun. I didn’t stir up a thing:)

I am happy I don’t have to do too much today. My husband is going to Berlin for work, and I have to take him to the airport. Then I think I will get some thai-food at the take away, go home, watch TV, and go to bed early. Very early.

Tomorrow is work again. I feel really bad about work. First I had this head/neck-thing, which has improved, and then last week, I stayed home Thursday and Friday with a horrible cold. I have had quite a few days away lately, and it bothers me!

Our new colleague who I feel a special responsibility for, has had to manage on her own, I am hopelessly behind on many tasks, and as vacation is only two weeks away, I know I won’t be able to finish all the things I had planned. My boss is very understanding, my bad conscience is not.

I put in lots of effort at work, we all do, I usually do some work at night, before going to bed, and some weekends I put in some hours as well. I am always available by phone and e-mail. I know the others don’t always report the effort they put in after hours, I do. But it’s strange the way we think, I think it’s a women thing. We are so obliged to do well, to be perfect, to be liked. I am sure that some don’t have the same career thoughts as men do either. Well… I don’t have to bother with that really. Not for some years anyway. It was just a thought…

Tomorrow, full speed! I’ll start with making a realistic ToDo list, then I will put in all the concentration I have, and maybe it won’t be as bad as I think! Inspiration, please come my way! 🙂

Me and all the others

child abuse

Child abuse (Photo credit: Southworth Sailor)

I am different. Aren’t we all… I thought about that today, that feeling. Nobody can understand me, because I am different from them, the others.
It was something I read about helping young people with addictions, that got the thinking going.
We seem to think that we are unique. And I am, but there are not six billions different personality types. Something must be similar other then the fact that all humans have a mind.
When I was a child, I defined my whole being, on the “different” part. I saw people being happy, but had problems relating it to my existence. Of course I had moments of happiness, breaks, Christmas, my secret places. But I saw families and other children with lives so different from my own.
I guess that was what made the distance so enormous. When others tried to get near me, I’d back off. I was so different that the idea of being like them was a concept impossible to understand. The idea that someone could help, wasn’t there at all. For me as a  child. Guess I am growing up now.
Following this was the understanding that nothing could change. I was stuck (as the only one in the world) in my situation, with negligence and abuse, and a life outside of the ordinary.
I was way out. When I sort of cleaned up, and got my life together, I used patterns and behaviour I had watched and learned. I did what people expected me to. I hid away the abused child, and what had been me. Put it in a huge locked box and threw away the key. And for some years, I was probably nobody… Well, I know that’s not possible.
I guess over the years I have found me again, and started working out how my experience has shaped me, and my life.
Sometimes I am very strong, feel like I know what I am doing, and love my life. Sometimes I feel very scared about what has been, scared of those feelings that sort of can take over my whole being.
Sometimes I am just scared. But I’m not all that different anymore.

Related:
The end of childhood as a Horror movie 

How are things at home

Shadow and sunshine

Today I’ll just post this picture. Love the colours, the place (London) and the message. I says on a sundial nearby (if the text is too small), “We are shadows”.

There is always a balance. Shadow/sunshine, light/darkness, happy/sad.
My neck-head-dizziness-thing doesn’t seem to get any better. It’s a great day for cycling, and I can’t…
But today I choose to put my face fronting the sun, feeling the energy and acquire some calmness 🙂 Happy Sunday everybody:)

What does it take to be able to CHOOSE?

Deutsch: junge Bregenzerwälder beim Schanzen i...

I’d make a spectacular fall here! Damüls-Krumbach in Vorarlberg. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve lived so many years in a sort of not-grounded state. Floating…

I hate skiing, if someone filmed me as I got my skis on, and if I managed to stay upright for ten seconds, it would be a hit on YouTube. The fall, I mean.

It has been like that, hoping to cope, hoping to be on solid ground, hoping not to fall. And I have fallen so many times. For the last 20 years, it has been slowly crawling up, and falling deep. Dangerously deep.

If someone would say to me you can choose differently (a good friend did) I’d be willing to try, but never understood. And resigned, feeling a bit lost.

I used to have a blog, where I’d write whenever I felt down, or panicked, or lost, or did drugs. It became a monster. I would hardly read it at all, and it was totally private. I’d post by phone, and just put all evil feelings there. It hardly ever made me feel better, more the opposite. I just got to think even more, and made it ever more complicated… Some thousand posts of feelings, that I felt I had to cling on to. It felt as if those bad feelings was all I had.

Good to delete it! 🙂

I don’t do blog like that anymore. Something has changed, and I am not sure what. Maybe I grew up? Maybe I got smarter? Maybe I just changed.

Now I can choose.

I have chosen to stay around for as long as I can. I was always convinced that I would die before I reached the age at which my mother died.

I have chosen to be ACTIVE in healing, though the first steps to make that choice have been taken many times.

I have chosen to change.

I’ve become aware of the minds capacity to hold on to those safe patterns of behaviour. Those destructive ones. I have decided to change them. I hope never again to feel like skiing, my mind is programmed to solid ground.

Knowing this makes me feel rich. What is it that makes you able to choose?

To talk or to forget?


I wonder from time to time… And we have also discussed it in therapy. I think her approach has been to talk things through, and then it will be easier to handle, so much easier perhaps, that it is not a problem at all.

But when it gets real heavy again, she wants me to try out specialists in trauma psychology or EMDR.

It is really quite typical, when I talk about something very bad, something I can’t cope with, she must feel that my story is too hard to handle, and wishes for me to get help from somewhere else. The idea of even thinking about talking to someone else, when I am in such a bad state (it’s not often) scares me. So sometimes I wish I didn’t tell. That’s not very dynamic…

It’s very hard for me to talk at all. I am still scared that I am going to need somebody. (I know I need her though). I am afraid that someone else might get to know what I am thinking. Stupid after all these years of therapy… The thought that if I try to explain, and she doesn’t understand, also scares me, because then I won’t be able to make it right. She will have an impression or understanding of something I said, and it’s the wrong one. That doesn’t help me. However, she has helped me through so many things, and I am quite sure that if I hadn’t met her, I would have been far out on drugs, or maybe not even alive at all by now.

And then there’s the thing about all those memories that doesn’t have words. How can I tell? I know I have written about this before, sorry for repeating… but it is important to me. When those memories make me a total nutter at night, stealing my desperately needed hours of sleep, it’s only logic to conclude that they need to be explained. It’s like I don’t know the language…

So how about forgetting?

How about concentrating on the moment, on how to live on right now? Right now I am (at work…) writing about this, I am ok with that, it’s no big deal to make words and meaning coming out of my thoughts, and most of the time I am ok with everything I do. I get through the days; I even think most of them are meaningful and good. Nights are a different story. But concealing the memories into somewhere far away, does that make sense?

How about the mindful approach to this? That would be to be in the flashback, and consistently draw attention to breathing. I am not there yet. After the last heavy flashback incident I had, I have had difficulties meditating. I’ve had to take some steps back, starting again, doing shorter sessions, making even surer that I am safe and being a bit more scared that if I let my mind wander off, it will be right back in flashback-hell again.

Still I know that my mindfulness moments give me more control over my days, I have a busy schedule, but I am never stressed out. Sometimes I have to take important decisions fast, I am ok with that. So I am sure about the mindfulness approach. It’s going to make me better.

However, the blog is “my story, shared”. I haven’t touched the issues with no language, perhaps I never can. It feels awful to write, but good too. I cry sometimes, it makes me concentrate, and hopefully finish some issues. Maybe getting those little pieces together, will help me.

Been humming  Paul Simons “I am a rock” all day. Took the picture of a really nice rock (on an island, get it?) this weekend. Here’s the lyrics:

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don’t talk of love,
Well I’ve heard the word before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.