Ground lost under my feet?

Well… I did not loose my job. Not in this round anyway. I got hired as the fourth of eight in my department, and the one hired before me, and the one hired as number six lost their jobs last week.

I did not get the job I applied for at my former employee either. So I have applied for a couple others.

There are quite a few things I don’t understand about this, and I see that I am naive, and have had a rather easy career.

I have a few new things to think about. It disturbs my balance, I have lost my sleep. I find that old patterns of thinking and feeling are Stress-Management-220x300coming back, and all my strategies for coping sort of escaped out the window.

It is temporary. There are more important things.

 

Advertisements

Well… no… not happy

I’ve stopped sleeping. I guess it is just stress, however, stress is serious for me when getting consequenses like this. Stuff happens when I don’t sleep. I don’t want to go there again.

betterstress

Last Monday, we had meetings at work, and almost 300 people are loosing their jobs before summer. In our department of eight, two people have to go. We don’t know who yet, as “competence” will count more than “seniority”.  So, it can be me, but I don’t think so. Not in this round of cuts, but my job is definitely not safe. I was on an interview for another position, I hoped to get a positive answer, but haven’t heard anything. It was almost three weeks ago, and I haven’t got guts to call and get a negative answer.

This week we will know who looses their job in my department. Which one of my dear colleagues and friends will be let go, which office will be vacant.

I am not handling this well.

This weekend I was home alone, my husband was away. I was planning on doing lots of stuff, things I like doing, going for walks in the mountains, cycling, and some more useful things, like sorting clothes, tidying… I did nothing.

I cycle, work, and try to sleep. That’s it. Don’t like it.

 

Dreams

sleep

Dreaming (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

I have had so many strange dreams lately, which is quite unusual for me. I hope it means that my sleeping pattern is changing, after cutting back on sleeping meds. I don’t really believe that dreams are all that important, or that there is a meaning to all of these strange things that gets into my head while I am sleeping. That would make life VERY complicated. 🙂
My dreams tend to be quite chaotic, and sometimes I wake up, just knowing that I dreamt something upsetting, without remembering what it was. I haven’t had any flashbacks or flashback-“dreams” for weeks and the last ones hasn’t been all that disturbing.

I think my sub-conscience is trying to figure out something. It’s been about a car accident that happened when I was a child. I don’t know exactly where it was. I just remember the car going off the road, and downhill very fast. There is a wood, many trees, and it is quite bumpy. This was long before there were seat belts, and I am on the floor between the front and back seat. My mother is driving. My brother is also in the car. I’m afraid, of course. That’s all that I remember. I tried once to ask my brother what had happened, but he won’t talk about it. Even if I asked him quite late, after he had a few beers… He said that we spent the night in a house next to where it happened. I don’t remember any of that. I don’t know if anyone got hurt, maybe I remember some pain in my head. But I’m not sure. Other than this, my flashbacks seem to have taken a break, it seems. I hope they are gone for good 🙂

But just this other night, I dreamt, we were running a petrol station, some of my friends, my youngest daughter, one work colleague and me. It was really very busy, and everything that could go wrong did. We ran out of diesel, people stole chocolate from the store, many were mad because they couldn’t fill up their cars, the queue of angry customers went all the way through the front door. We didn’t handle the situation very well. It was like when you have four people in the kitchen trying to do the same thing at the same time. When it finally calmed down, we went to sleep on the floor. It was like NOW I am going to sleep for SO long! I was just so tired, after working for days. And as I came to that conclusion and kind of felt the sleep coming, the alarm on my iPhone set off. I woke up angry…
Didn’t last for long though.

Sleepless

sleep

sleep (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

I hate not sleeping well. Some nights, when I go to bed, I just can’t sleep. Other nights I wake up having flashback, or spend time awake, in the middle of the night, having flashbacks. Or more seldom, I wake up at three thirty, and fall asleep again just half an hour before the alarm wakes me. Yippee…

It happens from time to time. Insomnia.

If I can’t get to sleep at night, it is usually because I absolutely cannot miss the alarm next morning. If I have a plane to catch. An important meeting. Or if something terrible has happened, but that is out of the ordinary.

Flashbacks have occurred more seldom during the last months, a year ago, it would happen several times every week. I’d get so tired, after several troublesome nights in a row, that absolutely nothing would make sense. Day or night…

My sleep problems are much better, but so annoying, when it happens. Have you noticed that thoughts during nighttime are so different that the ones you have during the day? I can’t even blame the darkness…

Right now I try to stop taking meds to sleep, I’ve taken pills to go to sleep, and pills to stay asleep, and not have flashbacks.

From time to time, I’ve also taken quite heavy painkillers, also getting me sleepy.

Now I try to control pain in meditation, which doesn’t mean that the pain disappears. It only means that I handle it better, I have a way of coping with pain that doesn’t involve medication.

Quite strange, we seem to have (and think we need) pills for everything. And so easy, when you get into it, to just take that little pill, and know, its ok, I will have a quiet night.

I hope I will make it without any meds. Definitely a goal… so now I have cut the doses to half of what I used to take. Summer is coming up, and that is usually a difficult time for me. Too much free time, not enough routine, some wine from time to time. Not good.

So if I get trough summer, like this, I will be very happy!

Sleepless on a Sunday night – part two

Sleepless

Sleepless (Photo credit: pittaya)

I got to sleep. at last… some six hours ago. And now I have been up for two hours. I hate it when this happens, and it does, from time to time. No matter taking my sleeping pills, relaxing, meditation, listening to the “Deep leep”-app. I think I’ve sort of taken over my husbands worries over missing the plane monday morning. So I am as anxious as he is, just that night of the week.

And then it starts, thinking about everything I should have done, the kitchen is a mess, I should have finished the house, because during the week I never have the time, I should have done an attempt at least in the garden. Should have should have should have. From there over to more depressing things, like I don’t really like it when he goes away for the whole week. Not every week. For once it would have been nice to spend more time together… I think we should have done something nice. I doesn’t really take more to ruin a night.

Day time thoughts are totally different. I’m going to need the day, to get awake and ok again, I guess.

I hate it when this happens.

Fragment (consider revising)

English: Vector graphic of a jigsaw puzzle out...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I once went to this job interview. It was like a questioning about my life, chronological. They were three, I was nervous. I never got the job, of course, and I can’t remember if they actually got to hire anyone. The technique was weird. Maybe they were just as nervous as me.

Life is never chronological. If someone asks me how I feel, or if I had a good vacation, I answer without having to make sure they know all about what has happened ever, until the moment of their question. I don’t pass my Curriculum Vitae around if I go places where I might meet people that want to talk to me.

Nobody does.

The things we tell each other, are all fragments. If you met me, you’d put together fragments, the way I talk, what I say, how I look, my body language, my crazy hair, and you’d put together a picture. I always think I am not “giving away” too much. At least when I am in professional settings.
I am probably wrong.

Feelings are just like that too. This morning I had trouble getting out of bed. (This head/neck-thing). I must have gone through at least one hundred different feelings or imaginations before I actually got out of bed. I woke up at 5:45. And it went like this:

No, I need more sleep (set the alarm on my iPhone to 8:00)
I don’t want to feel this pain again, I am so dizzy
I’ll text my boss, say I’m not coming in
I am sad, I am aware that I feel sad
Why?
Yesterday’s blue mood…
No, this is not going to be my feelings today, I need a good day!
I need more sleep, I can sleep for three more hours for f***’s sake!
The wind through the window feels good as it strikes my chin; it’s so calm and quiet outside.
Just breathe…
A seagull, a sheep
Breathe (damnit)

It just goes on like this, I think, for all of us. Sometimes it rushes through at very high speed, sometimes I get to contemplate and concentrate (luckily), and often the impressions are without words. And somehow, the mind is able to put it all together into something sensible. I love it when I manage to find calmness, it eases the constant pressure of things going on. Sometimes during meditation, this happens, and it feels just good. The opposite are my horrifying flashbacks with high speed, fragments, no language.

I got up, and was at work at about 7. BTW grammar check in Word “Fragment (consider revising)” is also a fragment…

Pain is good

Explicit!
I was too young. That morning I woke up with a terrifying pain in my lower tummy. Nobody ever told me about it, they probably thought it could wait for another couple of years. I must have been 11. I’m not going to go into too gory details here, but waking up with what looked like two litres of blood in my bed, made me think I was dying.

Of course I didn’t tell anyone. Dying was an ok option, he couldn’t hurt me anymore.

Well I didn’t die… and my effort to try to hide this from the world using huge amounts of toilet paper and hiding the sheets was not successful. It was my sister that told me what this was all about, she was 17.

My excruciating pain had me in bed for three days a month. And more painkillers were introduced. Nobody knew about the broken arm painkillers from a year back, and now I got more.

I got proper sleep. I got painless days. I imagine my body to be a tight bundle of hard strung muscles that would never let go and loosen up. The pills made me relax.

I wonder what the doctor must have thought. Did I appear to be a normal little girl? Did anyone see through the picture perfect family he tried to create?

My pain threshold became lower each month…

My period also gave me a break, he would leave me alone.

In one of my flashbacks I cut myself wanting lots of blood to keep him away. I don’t think it happened often, it could have happened just once.

Pain gave me relief.