Vacation mode

Subregions of Europe (UN geoscheme)

Subregions of Europe (UN geoscheme) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now we have left the country;) On the road in my beloved Europe, Italy, France, a bit of Germany and probably some other countries as well. I will be gone for four weeks.

This does not mean that I have less to blog about, less stuff that enters my head and should come out in some way or another. I just means that it is more difficult to get it done. I France, we have network connections, otherwise we have to use network on iPhones or iPads. That is very expensive. So I won’t be here as much as usual.

But sometimes… I’ll have to see:)

I sure you won’t miss me at all!

Yet another award

Thanks, wwfd301!!

I have received another blog award!!!  Thanks, to the Nlistblog for picking me as one of 5 recipients!

This will be the last one I follow up on… Sorry… I am not blogging for awards, I blog for my readers, and although awards generates lots of traffic to my blog, what’s the point if they are not the ones interested in what I write?

But I’ve done my thing and linked to five blogs that I really appreciate! 🙂 

Bad bad feelings?

English: Toy balloons Русский: Воздушные шарики

Up and away, never to be seen again (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I really hate it, when I get into those «if only» thoughts and regrets. Why is it so hard to accept the past, and be OK with it? Guess that’s the essence of it all. It’s no problem to see that what happened to me was so wrong. I guess I used a few years just accepting that it happened. And a few years trying to find ways out of it.

Sometimes I think I have found it, the way out, and some days it is just lost again. Some days there are things that trigger feelings and memories, which I wish to be gone forever.

Some days I need help to see things in perspective.

I try to meditate, I try to live by all the mindfulness ideas, and know that it helps. But some days are just different.

I wish I could put all of these feelings in a bin bag, tie it up and throw it away. Never to be seen again.

To my:
Anger
Shame
Loss
Sorrow
Regret

Please leave. Now.

If you need a bit of inspirational input in your busy day, visit this blog 🙂

Mindfulbalance

(Practice) ……. is not to be found in moving forwards, nor in moving backwards, nor in standing still. This, Sumedho, is your place of nonabiding.

Ajahn Chah,  Letter to Ajahn Sumedho

As long as we conceive reality in terms of self and time, as a “me” who is someplace and can go some other place, then we are not realizing that going forwards, going backwards, and standing still are all entirely dependent upon the relative truths of self, locality, and time. In terms of physical reality, there is a coming and going. But think about it. Where can we truly go? Do we ever really go anywhere? Wherever we go we are always “here.”

Ajahn Amaro

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How to take care of me?

English: New road at Hawthornden Only when I g...

Road to happiness 🙂 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am a very worn out. The funeral was yesterday, and that puts an end to things. But I have not been treating myself as good as I should lately. Lack of sleep and rest, food always in a hurry, family stuff, no cycling, no meditating and all those work things I just have to finish before going away.

A good recipe for a bad result. I feel like I could sleep for a week, that feeling… But I can’t, and wont. When awake I feel like there’s cotton inside my head and my brain is wrapped in it! Everything wise is stuck inside cotton, and won’t come out.

I am going on a great vacation dammit, so now is the time to start being happy, relaxed, laugh a lot, go on lovely cycling trips, visit small medieval cities and drink coffee on the warm sunny town square. So here is the recipe for that:

  1. Get back into meditation routines, however, a bit difficult as we are together 24/7. But I’ll find the moments.
  2. Sleep routines. Not lack of it. Follow my attack plan on sleep meds.
  3. Live here and now. Enjoy what happens. Take ALL the good photos.
  4. Plan what and where we eat, I feel so much better without bread and fast carbs.
  5. Get on the bike for at least 30 k a day, that’s just one hour (well, when it is flat)!
  6. Don’t hurry (except downhill on the bike)
  7. Stretch my neck four times a day. Breathe…

That’s seven vital points for better days. Shouldn’t be too hard. Just right now it kind of seems like mission impossible! (Think I’ll make it??)

I always find it very difficult to get back from holidays, getting back into everyday work and other routines always messes with my head. And it is such a bad bad thing thinking about that now, before we have even gone… I’ll just have to leave that worry at home too. But it’s like when you start to worry, you just don’t stop… there’s always something more to worry about.

Tonight I have invited some old colleagues home for a reunion party. We will have loads of fun, and old memories to laugh about. No more worries as of now. Hereby decided! 🙂

The funeral

English: Red roses

Red roses, her favourites (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

All those things to remember. We had a visit from the funeral home last Wednesday. He took us through all the details. What kind of coffin, what clothes we wanted her to wear, the flower arrangements, the psalms, advertisement, forms, costs, inheritance, testament… My brother and sister were there, and my other old aunt. (The one with a taste for red wine, who got the fresh caught fish on the summer party last Saturday). She is the sister of the very old aunt who died.

We all thought we remembered what songs and singers we used for the last funeral. We didn’t. It was the same man from the funeral home, who came to see us then, who we met again now. He had some of our funeral history on his computer. Goes to show that it’s not just me who goes “blank” in situations like these. We also had to talk to the priest, who gazed at my “Om”-pendant… Don’t think he is of the most tolerant ones. Anyway, we talked about the very old aunt for a while, for him to have enough information to put together a memorial speech.

I have no idea how many will come to the service, she outlived all her friends. The family comes of course, the same 20 something that came at the summer party. Some family from other parts of the country is also coming. And there must be some cousins, and maybe old colleagues. Though, who would you expect to remember you, when it’s 30 years since you retired?

We ordered red roses to decorate the coffin. They were her favourites. The coffin is white, I like better the oak ones.y

I hope the day goes by without me coming out of my state of indifference. I think it’s strange, but also a bit good, to see that my brother and sister feel awkvard. It sort of tells me that I can’t be alone with my experiences from my childhood. It tells me that it’s true, things were bad. I don’t feel any need to mourn. I know that our story keep us closer together than most people, only it doesn’t, really. Anyone who loses their mother as a child has a story. Not sure if I can explain this properly, but it is nothing but an act. We do what is expected. We act as if we have great affection for each other, but hardly ever meet, other than Christmas, or my summer party. The dialogue is nothing to be proud of, bad actors…

I don’t want to do very much about this. And right now, I just hope this day goes into history with nothing to remember.

No, not very mindful today. I’ll visit my feelings tomorrow.

Dwelling in depression

Sad News

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I don’t know whom to blame, but there must be someone! Everywhere I turn, somebody is depressed. I talk to the girls, about their friends or acquaintances, they are depressed, their friends, that is. I think I must know at least ten people telling me they take anti-depressives; I imagine I have twice that number of friends who are too ashamed to tell me about anti-depressives.

Depression inflation…

I have all respect in the world for the despair and hopelessness that comes with this illness.

But I have nothing but disrespect for all the GPs who use this as the best excuse ever not to get to the bottom of things. So easy to just hand out a prescription and “see you next month” when someone comes in to complain about lack of sleep, lousy feelings or lack of drive.

Since when are all those feelings not part of life?

Since when, has the cure for all, been a pill?

I know many people have serious depressions, and I don’t mean to offend anyone. I have so much respect for those who fight this disease, and have the courage to seek professional help. It is those who sit at the other side of the table, I am aiming at.

So many people starting on anti-depressives use them for years and years.

So many don’t get ANY other help.

If reading about side effects were obligatory, would so many use these pills?

If your GP told you, that this drug might help, but we won’t really know before at least six months, would you use them?

This creates patients, who stay patients for many more years than necessary. If listened to, if treated with more care and less pills, the situation would be so much different.

I can’t help thinking that depression is a “fashion” thing. And feel so sorry for those who suffer with severe depressions, though more awareness of this illness can help!

I can’t help thinking; nobody has mouse arms anymore. After serious research into neck injuries, it became clear that those large whiplash neck supports worsens the condition, whiplash also went out of fashion. (Though I have it, a real whiplash!)

I hope depression gets out of fashion too. Someone makes loads of money because people are wrongly treated with expensive pills.

Sorry about the rather cross language and strong meanings in this post. I was angry.

There is probably a pill for that too!