A speed bump, not a whole in the ground

To sum up:

I didn’t loose my job this time, maybe later…(!)
I am loosing two good colleagues in a company that is making lots of money, they are being made redundant.
I gave in to my neck/head pain yesterday and got sick leave from my GP, who said I should have come two weeks ago.
My psychiatrist worries about my parasomni, and thinks I might do something stupid in my sleep, I have been sleepwalking… (feels stupid).
I have restocked on pain meds, sleep meds, sleep cycle meds and deep-sleep-relaxing meds. Feels reassuring.
It rained too much today for cycling, (which I shouldn’t do anyway because of the pain). But I will tomorrow!

I turned up the music and danced, as I cooked dinner for me and my husband.

I love to dance. Soon I will be happy again.

🙂

speedBump

Ground lost under my feet?

Well… I did not loose my job. Not in this round anyway. I got hired as the fourth of eight in my department, and the one hired before me, and the one hired as number six lost their jobs last week.

I did not get the job I applied for at my former employee either. So I have applied for a couple others.

There are quite a few things I don’t understand about this, and I see that I am naive, and have had a rather easy career.

I have a few new things to think about. It disturbs my balance, I have lost my sleep. I find that old patterns of thinking and feeling are Stress-Management-220x300coming back, and all my strategies for coping sort of escaped out the window.

It is temporary. There are more important things.

 

Well… no… not happy

I’ve stopped sleeping. I guess it is just stress, however, stress is serious for me when getting consequenses like this. Stuff happens when I don’t sleep. I don’t want to go there again.

betterstress

Last Monday, we had meetings at work, and almost 300 people are loosing their jobs before summer. In our department of eight, two people have to go. We don’t know who yet, as “competence” will count more than “seniority”.  So, it can be me, but I don’t think so. Not in this round of cuts, but my job is definitely not safe. I was on an interview for another position, I hoped to get a positive answer, but haven’t heard anything. It was almost three weeks ago, and I haven’t got guts to call and get a negative answer.

This week we will know who looses their job in my department. Which one of my dear colleagues and friends will be let go, which office will be vacant.

I am not handling this well.

This weekend I was home alone, my husband was away. I was planning on doing lots of stuff, things I like doing, going for walks in the mountains, cycling, and some more useful things, like sorting clothes, tidying… I did nothing.

I cycle, work, and try to sleep. That’s it. Don’t like it.

 

Lazy Saturday morning

I started today with lighting the fireplace. I wake up very early, even when I don’t have to. Quite annoying, looking forward to sleeping in, and be wide awake at 0630. Not finished sleeping, still tired, but awake. Guess a few glasses of champagne last night didn’t help. Now I have had a long breakfast, watched alpine skiing on the telly, read a bit in a book, and done some blogging. It is freezing cold outside, so I guess I wont go out cycling, or play in the snow or any other cold activity.

Just a lazy day.

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This was on my way to work yesterday.

Snow

Snow Road

This could be my road home! (Photo credit: quinet)

Just yesterday, I changed to my snow tyres! We had rain and quite high temperatures, and now, my Facebook feed is full of winter things. Red wine, lit fireplaces, wool clothes. We are a bit strange here in the North!

I wish I lived in a place where there was no discussion about the weather. It is really an everyday item with us, we start every conversation with “Are you cold?” or “Did you get wet?”. I am very interested in learning other languages, and actually discovered this strange cultural difference when studying Spanish. Rain is just rain. Lluvia. I think I use at least four different expressions for rain.

One other thing though, with living where I do, is the dramatic change from the light, positive SUMMER time to depressing and dark winter time. I hate it. We are changing this weekend, so from Monday, I will not get home from work until it is dark. My head takes weeks to change to a shifted routine, even though it is only one hour. And I never get around to change the clock in my car, and so on.

Just another four months, and we are on the bright side again! 😉 Shine on, all you wonderful people. Make the world bright!

Word for this week: Planning!

English: Pope's Hill, Kielder Forest. A mounta...

Roads are not this bad on my morning trip, luckily. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Feel rather proud this morning. Yesterday when I was planning the week, and checking the weather, I decided that I might cycle to work today. So I found all my warm clothes, my shoes, some woolen socks, and laid it out, all ready. As I woke up at 6 this morning, I was so tired, and so much like, “oh no, this is not going to happen”. I just couldn’t imagine one hour and a half on the bike, before feeling awake at all.

But I did it. It wasn’t the happiest 30 km in my life, but I got to work without having had to walk up one single hill (there are quite a few). The time wasn’t bad either. This afternoon, the forecast says STORM, so it will be a fun trip home…

I know, that if I hadn’t used some time yesterday to find my gear and getting it all ready, I would have gotten into my warm and cosy car instead. The same way that I know, that if I don’t shop before I get hungry, I end up eating things I regret. Because I do have these ideas in my head: Cycling is good for me (but so many times I give up, because it is early in the morning and cold and rain and it is so far). I like to eat healthy (but some days I shop late in afternoon, after work, when I am very hungry). I recent chaos, (but I don’t plan for tidying up, not at work, not at home, however, this doesn’t stress me up, it is just uncomfortable). I need to have my head clear, to be relaxed and focused (but sometimes I get carried away with seemingly uncontrollable emotions).

It is all linked together.  This week I will focus on establishing a warm and close friendship between the planning-part and the dedication-part of me. I hope they will hit it off 🙂

Lazy Sunday

A black Roomba Robot.

I love my Roomba Robot. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I admire my excellent attitude towards house work.

Every weekend I set out to do at least some things. Do the bathrooms, wash some clothes, AND get them back in the cupboards (an operation that easily takes months).Start the vacuum cleaner robot, wash the kitchen properly. Some weeks I set out to buy new clothes, socks and underwear, because it seems to be empty. Other weekends, like this one, I suddenly discover I have 30 pair of socks waiting.

As I woke up this morning, I thought about the weekend, that it is just like three steps down. Fridays are high high up, Saturdays are something in between, and Sundays are getting things together for a new hard work week. Last chance for housework, only then it feels like trying to finish a marathon. For me, it usually breaks down to what I am going to wear tomorrow. What I need for work, and is my gym bag packed. Right now it is, because I haven’t had the time to use it…

I live alone most of the week, the girls have moved out, my husband works in a city one hour away, by air. He leaves monday mornings, and returns Thursday or Friday. And the house is not a disaster, yet. It’s basically me and the cat. We’ll manage another week, but next Friday, I will make a list, a plan. So that Sunday appears with a shiny living room, detergent smelling bathrooms, clean sheets and soft towels. :))

Blue sky :)

The autumn weather is just so beautiful here today. We hardly ever have sunshine, at least that’s how it feels. But today the sky is blue, it is a bit cold, below 10 C, so the colours are sharp and crisp. Some trees have lost their leaves, but many are still green. Not for long now though. I love the colours and the light, but hate the fact that winter is coming. And it will rain and rain and rain… So I’ll enjoy this today, as much as I can! Sometimes BLUE is good;)


Yesterday, I was looking forward to a glass of wine or two. I fell asleep at 10PM, nothing left. Must have been a hard week. Now I am going to do some house stuff, and some outside stuff. Hopefully, I’ll stay awake a bit longer tonight 🙂

Dreams

sleep

Dreaming (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

I have had so many strange dreams lately, which is quite unusual for me. I hope it means that my sleeping pattern is changing, after cutting back on sleeping meds. I don’t really believe that dreams are all that important, or that there is a meaning to all of these strange things that gets into my head while I am sleeping. That would make life VERY complicated. 🙂
My dreams tend to be quite chaotic, and sometimes I wake up, just knowing that I dreamt something upsetting, without remembering what it was. I haven’t had any flashbacks or flashback-“dreams” for weeks and the last ones hasn’t been all that disturbing.

I think my sub-conscience is trying to figure out something. It’s been about a car accident that happened when I was a child. I don’t know exactly where it was. I just remember the car going off the road, and downhill very fast. There is a wood, many trees, and it is quite bumpy. This was long before there were seat belts, and I am on the floor between the front and back seat. My mother is driving. My brother is also in the car. I’m afraid, of course. That’s all that I remember. I tried once to ask my brother what had happened, but he won’t talk about it. Even if I asked him quite late, after he had a few beers… He said that we spent the night in a house next to where it happened. I don’t remember any of that. I don’t know if anyone got hurt, maybe I remember some pain in my head. But I’m not sure. Other than this, my flashbacks seem to have taken a break, it seems. I hope they are gone for good 🙂

But just this other night, I dreamt, we were running a petrol station, some of my friends, my youngest daughter, one work colleague and me. It was really very busy, and everything that could go wrong did. We ran out of diesel, people stole chocolate from the store, many were mad because they couldn’t fill up their cars, the queue of angry customers went all the way through the front door. We didn’t handle the situation very well. It was like when you have four people in the kitchen trying to do the same thing at the same time. When it finally calmed down, we went to sleep on the floor. It was like NOW I am going to sleep for SO long! I was just so tired, after working for days. And as I came to that conclusion and kind of felt the sleep coming, the alarm on my iPhone set off. I woke up angry…
Didn’t last for long though.

Improving?

Sunshine Coast

More of this please?? (Photo credit: semuthutan)


Today I have answered e-mails like if I was something extra-terrestrial… Though, I did get to work an hour and a half late.

I can’t seem to get into the habit of getting up at six, like I used to.  However, that means that I am sleeping well!

How long will it take to get into the habit of work again? I read, last year I think, that if you’ve been away for four weeks, it will take just as long (four weeks) to get into the routines again. That’s quite long… But maybe true!

This is my second week back, and I must admit, last week I had so many things to check online before I could get any of my items in my to-do done. I thought like this: If I answer this e-mail, than she will answer me back and maybe have another question for me, so I will have to write yet another e-mail…

Seriously, I really like my job. I just miss 32 degrees, sunshine and lazy days.

Yesterday I saw my therapist again. This time of year is usually very difficult for me, and I am happy she will see me every week for a while, at least. I think things have changed since last year though. But maybe as some things improve, others appear. To sum up, it goes like this:

I sleep better, and haven’t had any flashbacks since I came home.
Although struggling, I have done some workout; the kayak is my best friend for the time being.
I have a feeling of coping, instead of chaos. (Crossing fingers that it lasts).
I managed to talk about my husband yesterday; he’s been acting like he’s having PMS or something lately, a real bitch… and I am not sure what it is, or what to do, so it worries me.
I find it difficult to think “mindful” and meditate, both work and family are a bit overwhelming just now.
I need time for myself. Not sure why that is such a big thing right now, but I really do.
The pain in my neck is really really BAD. I saw my physiotherapist yesterday, it is his fault. He worked at all the muscles in my neck, head and face, which surely has made the back of my head black and blue, my neck feels twice the ordinary size and I have a terrible headache. I hope what he’s at will help, the reason for this is of course my bicycle crash last year.

Today, I am spending some time with the girls, again. Tired.

How to take care of me?

English: New road at Hawthornden Only when I g...

Road to happiness 🙂 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am a very worn out. The funeral was yesterday, and that puts an end to things. But I have not been treating myself as good as I should lately. Lack of sleep and rest, food always in a hurry, family stuff, no cycling, no meditating and all those work things I just have to finish before going away.

A good recipe for a bad result. I feel like I could sleep for a week, that feeling… But I can’t, and wont. When awake I feel like there’s cotton inside my head and my brain is wrapped in it! Everything wise is stuck inside cotton, and won’t come out.

I am going on a great vacation dammit, so now is the time to start being happy, relaxed, laugh a lot, go on lovely cycling trips, visit small medieval cities and drink coffee on the warm sunny town square. So here is the recipe for that:

  1. Get back into meditation routines, however, a bit difficult as we are together 24/7. But I’ll find the moments.
  2. Sleep routines. Not lack of it. Follow my attack plan on sleep meds.
  3. Live here and now. Enjoy what happens. Take ALL the good photos.
  4. Plan what and where we eat, I feel so much better without bread and fast carbs.
  5. Get on the bike for at least 30 k a day, that’s just one hour (well, when it is flat)!
  6. Don’t hurry (except downhill on the bike)
  7. Stretch my neck four times a day. Breathe…

That’s seven vital points for better days. Shouldn’t be too hard. Just right now it kind of seems like mission impossible! (Think I’ll make it??)

I always find it very difficult to get back from holidays, getting back into everyday work and other routines always messes with my head. And it is such a bad bad thing thinking about that now, before we have even gone… I’ll just have to leave that worry at home too. But it’s like when you start to worry, you just don’t stop… there’s always something more to worry about.

Tonight I have invited some old colleagues home for a reunion party. We will have loads of fun, and old memories to laugh about. No more worries as of now. Hereby decided! 🙂

Weekends spoil my sleep!

It can be quite fu**ed up during the week too, but every weekend… I can’t get to bed in reasonable time, and spend hours in bed getting to sleep, just to wake up at six.
So I probably have to get some sleep during the day, and will be hopelessly confused, when Sunday evening appears, and Monday morning is lacking at least six hours.
Hate it!

Sleepless

sleep

sleep (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

I hate not sleeping well. Some nights, when I go to bed, I just can’t sleep. Other nights I wake up having flashback, or spend time awake, in the middle of the night, having flashbacks. Or more seldom, I wake up at three thirty, and fall asleep again just half an hour before the alarm wakes me. Yippee…

It happens from time to time. Insomnia.

If I can’t get to sleep at night, it is usually because I absolutely cannot miss the alarm next morning. If I have a plane to catch. An important meeting. Or if something terrible has happened, but that is out of the ordinary.

Flashbacks have occurred more seldom during the last months, a year ago, it would happen several times every week. I’d get so tired, after several troublesome nights in a row, that absolutely nothing would make sense. Day or night…

My sleep problems are much better, but so annoying, when it happens. Have you noticed that thoughts during nighttime are so different that the ones you have during the day? I can’t even blame the darkness…

Right now I try to stop taking meds to sleep, I’ve taken pills to go to sleep, and pills to stay asleep, and not have flashbacks.

From time to time, I’ve also taken quite heavy painkillers, also getting me sleepy.

Now I try to control pain in meditation, which doesn’t mean that the pain disappears. It only means that I handle it better, I have a way of coping with pain that doesn’t involve medication.

Quite strange, we seem to have (and think we need) pills for everything. And so easy, when you get into it, to just take that little pill, and know, its ok, I will have a quiet night.

I hope I will make it without any meds. Definitely a goal… so now I have cut the doses to half of what I used to take. Summer is coming up, and that is usually a difficult time for me. Too much free time, not enough routine, some wine from time to time. Not good.

So if I get trough summer, like this, I will be very happy!

Sleepless on a Monday night too….

To change physioterapist must be like changing dentist… They find new troublesome and bothering stuff, that you never knew existed.
Tonights sleeplessness has been about PAIN, waking up every hour or so. He is a head/neck-specialist, and got the most sexy overarms I have ever seen. I feel so beaten up… And has exceeded the dose of funny pills. But sleep? Hardly…
Been up since three am…
Getting tired of this! Soon off to work…

Sleepless on a Sunday night – part two

Sleepless

Sleepless (Photo credit: pittaya)

I got to sleep. at last… some six hours ago. And now I have been up for two hours. I hate it when this happens, and it does, from time to time. No matter taking my sleeping pills, relaxing, meditation, listening to the “Deep leep”-app. I think I’ve sort of taken over my husbands worries over missing the plane monday morning. So I am as anxious as he is, just that night of the week.

And then it starts, thinking about everything I should have done, the kitchen is a mess, I should have finished the house, because during the week I never have the time, I should have done an attempt at least in the garden. Should have should have should have. From there over to more depressing things, like I don’t really like it when he goes away for the whole week. Not every week. For once it would have been nice to spend more time together… I think we should have done something nice. I doesn’t really take more to ruin a night.

Day time thoughts are totally different. I’m going to need the day, to get awake and ok again, I guess.

I hate it when this happens.