Being me, or some others with my experience, includes reactions. All those feelings.
Some of them not accessible. Hidden for ages, maybe they will never reappear. I think I know what they are about. Its ok if they remain where they are, and its ok if they decide to haunt me. I’ll ride it off.
The others, well… Take a few years, some flashbacks with defragmented memories, confusion, shock, anger, shame, fear… what do you end up with? I’m not entirely sure.
There are a few diagnoses to choose from. Many three letter abbreviations.
Many people suffering are being treated far too late. Or not at all. As you go on, in confusion and suffering, trying not to feel because you don’t understand, it doesn’t get any better. Symptoms are escalating, and suddenly, ten years might have passed. Even more.
I am pretty happy with my life now. I cherish the feeling of gratefulness for all good things in my life. My husband, my family, my job, my bike;), some very good friends, the beautiful place we live, our exciting travels. All inspiring things.
And sometimes I think about all those feelings:
Anger – so negative. So destroying.
Fear – a part of life. Sometimes a necessary part.
Shame – NO, NOTHING THAT HAPPENED WAS MY FAULT. NOTHING!
Sorrow – and the way to move on, steps of sorrow and understanding it, is important.
Remorse – belongs in the past. Yes, if I had done this or that, at another time, things might have turned out differently. Might have.
Sadness – part of sorrow. Its OK to cry, for a bit anyway.
I am not always happy. Nor am I positive all the time. I have my “things”, when met with arrogance, I get absolutely furious. And I have a way with words that gets the BITCH out from hiding. If something threatens my family, I am equally in defence.
But all those other feelings, the bad ones. What to do?
Sometimes I visualize it: Pouring all of them all into a bottle, put some petrol into it, top it off with a rag, light it, and throw it against a wall.
HaHa. You burn. I’m still here kicking!