I’ve lived so many years in a sort of not-grounded state. Floating…
I hate skiing, if someone filmed me as I got my skis on, and if I managed to stay upright for ten seconds, it would be a hit on YouTube. The fall, I mean.
It has been like that, hoping to cope, hoping to be on solid ground, hoping not to fall. And I have fallen so many times. For the last 20 years, it has been slowly crawling up, and falling deep. Dangerously deep.
If someone would say to me you can choose differently (a good friend did) I’d be willing to try, but never understood. And resigned, feeling a bit lost.
I used to have a blog, where I’d write whenever I felt down, or panicked, or lost, or did drugs. It became a monster. I would hardly read it at all, and it was totally private. I’d post by phone, and just put all evil feelings there. It hardly ever made me feel better, more the opposite. I just got to think even more, and made it ever more complicated… Some thousand posts of feelings, that I felt I had to cling on to. It felt as if those bad feelings was all I had.
Good to delete it! 🙂
I don’t do blog like that anymore. Something has changed, and I am not sure what. Maybe I grew up? Maybe I got smarter? Maybe I just changed.
Now I can choose.
I have chosen to stay around for as long as I can. I was always convinced that I would die before I reached the age at which my mother died.
I have chosen to be ACTIVE in healing, though the first steps to make that choice have been taken many times.
I have chosen to change.
I’ve become aware of the minds capacity to hold on to those safe patterns of behaviour. Those destructive ones. I have decided to change them. I hope never again to feel like skiing, my mind is programmed to solid ground.
Knowing this makes me feel rich. What is it that makes you able to choose?