New session today at 2pm. I am NOT looking forward to it. When things are a bit difficult, I get into a strange state of mind. I can hardly look at her. I keep pinching myself, a bit afraid that if I don’t feel any pain,  I will just float away into memories or feelings I can’t control. After quite a few years, I still feel that I need to see the door out. I know how many steps there are down the stairs to get outside. I find it extremely hard to talk.

It is not usually as bad as this. Something happened couple of weeks back. That is certainly going to be a theme for todays conversation. I keep thinking and trying to convince myself that although it was serious what happened, I am not the same person as I was two or five years ago. I changed, so the implications this time will not be as severe. The impact won’t stay that long…
I will write about what happened. Next post…

I really don’t want to go today. That must be a dark blue feeling…

But I can’t give up.

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