PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, what is this, really?

PTSD is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after one or more events that result in a psychological trauma. Re-experience of the original traumas is one of the most common symptoms.

There is lots of information on this out there in cyberspace, not all of it good. My symptoms are quite awful. I have trouble falling asleep, almost every night, no matter how tired I am. I wake up with a feeling of terror in the middle of the night, not being able to dissociate from what I am feeling, from who and where I am at the instant that this is happening.
Many years this made me rush out of the house in the middle of the night, not being myself again until I had walked for at least 20 minutes. I used to have special places to “hide”. By the rocky seaside, where nobody could see me, I regained my breath and found my heart beating at a not so panicked pace.

The horrible memories coming up are not always the same. They change, and as there still are lots of stuff I really don’t remember, it is really scary. Many times I find it hard to relate to the things that happens “in my head” as I don’t remember. But I have learnt that the bad re-living of all these things have a reason. It is not something I make up. I can go on for days with only minimal sleep, 3-4 hours a night. After periods like these, I used to do drugs, desperate to get to sleep again. That’s a stupid thing to do… Turning life into even more chaos, and not being able to stop using again for maybe months. So then you have a circle going round and round with hardly any possibility to change or stop it. Now I haven’t used since October. Quite happy about that!

Another symptom is that I get really tired, worn out, maybe a bit indifferent or even moody. Being so on edge, scared and sleepless does that to people… But it is as if there is something more to it, the tiredness I mean. I am not just tired, I’m so fatigued that I think I can sleep for a week. If only I could fall asleep… I argue from time to time with my lovely therapist whether I am depressed or not. She thinks I am… I disagree:)

Sometimes I get terrified during daytime to. I haven’t identified all the triggers. It can be a smell, a noise, a very special pair of shoes, a feeling of not being able to get out. I am not afraid of flying, but whenever the plane door closes, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Neither am I afraid of dentists, but the idea of lying in his chair not being able to get out, scares me. Kind of claustrophobic…

My PTSD is not related to one particular incident, as you can see. It is because of long-term abuse, and a childhood where there are few things I can really remember. Of my biggest problems are that some of these memories have no language. I have some images that is hard to describe, I have some smells, some feelings, strongest one is that I am dying. Being so terrified and not having the language to describe these non-verbal things going on inside me is tough! Specially because I work with language and words, as a journalist!

If PTSD has a colour, for me that is red. As in blood, dark red.

5 thoughts on “PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, what is this, really?

  1. Sorry to hear of your suffering. First thing to do is calm the nervous system. Some simple daily practice can calm the mind and activate the para sympathetic nervous symptom.

    It is hard to explain because it is so real to us. neuroscience has now determined that our fight or flight system is disordered for now. It can be healed, integrated and life can be full again.

    Welcome to my blog. please check out the breathing track. it can help you calm down and is easy to practice.


    • Thanks:) Breathing is definitely of the things that can help put things together, make it possible to get head above water. During panic, you don’t have any chance at all to do anything else, than panic! I’ll check your breathing track:)
      Have a lovely day!

  2. I have found the mind loves a simple, concrete model to follow with the breath. it balances the breath, inhale and exhale and disengages from the conscious. This simple practice developed everyday applied correctly can heal your nervous system. it healed mine and others have also used it to improve.

    We eat the elephant for linch and dinner and it is gone in two months. impossible to eat all at once, as healing is small successes everyday.

    • Thanks:) Guess it’s like every other thing, meditation. You have to be dedicated, get it into routines, an practise to have effect. Motivation is always the hardest part:)

      • Yes and anything new is awkward at first.

        Try the breathing track with eyes open. It is an easy way. Because it brings two more senses into play and you can visually trace your breath.

        The model,is a continuum which helps to stay focused. Ten minutes a day and try to trace the breathing track with every thought and in a week you can look back and know in a couple of weeks it will be easier.

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